Monica O'Brien is the author of the book Social Pollination: Escape the Hype of Social Media and Join the Companies Winning At It. The book is a step-by-step guide for small and mid-sized businesses that want to find more customers effectively. Get the book:

From the category archives:

Women

Have you heard of the Old Boys’ Club? In the twentieth century, this was a group of privileged men vying for management positions. In the post-feminist age, this is a group of high-performing, stellar networkers in the boardrooms and executive suites.

Yes, the Old Boys’ Club is still alive and well; the difference is that women are now allowed to join, if they can demonstrate leadership and toe the fine line between feminism and masculinity.

And yet, instead of joining the club, women have created their own clubs – New Girls’ Clubs – which are all-female professional groups trying to use the power of numbers to compensate for gender disparity in the workplace. For the most part, these clubs don’t work. Here’s why:

Joining ‘the Sisterhood’

New Girls’ Clubs typically host overly girly networking events. I know, because I am a board member of a new girls’ business club. Here is what our event calendar looks like:

We’ll put on a spa event instead of a sports event. We’ll do a wine tasting instead of a bar crawl. We’ll host yoga classes instead of going golfing.

Realistically, none of these events would ever be settings for a gender-neutral, business networking event. So while we women think we’re learning how to build a professional network, we are actually just engaging in a sorority-like slumber party slash gossip-fest that reinforces the girly habits that don’t get us ahead in the workplace.

Shorting Your Network

On average, women speak 20,000 words per day while men only speak 7,000. Yet women do not have as large of networks as men, even though they talk more. Where women are conversational, men are transactional. Men are more likely to use who they know to open doors, and they are more likely to ask for help despite not having helped someone previously.

If you want a larger network, you must not only network with men, but become a more transactional networker; both of which you won’t find at a New Girls’ Club.

Starting a Cat Fight

There are so many things to say here. First, I hate hate hate that when men get into a fight it’s a fist fight, but when women get into a fight it’s a cat fight. Second, cat fighting usually comes with sexual connotation, as if the two women might start making out after ripping handfuls of each other’s hair.

Third, and most important, women are taught at an early age to be jealous of other women because we base our own self-image on what other women have that we don’t. Career columnist Penelope Trunk says, “Everyone is competitive, but there are more problems between two women than between two men or between a man and a woman.” So chances are women are not always your best allies in the workplace. Why limit your networking to just women in the New Girls’ Club?

Signaling a Pay Cut

Research shows that female-dominated fields have lower average salaries than fields where the ratio of men to women is equal or higher. In fact, as a profession goes from male-dominated to female-dominated, the worth of the profession actually drops. This phenomenon is so prominent that it shows up everywhere, from business to college basketball.

This begs the question: why would we purposely aggregate ourselves into female-dominated groups? In any business, factions of females send the wrong signal to their male-counterparts: that the girls can’t eat at the big boys table, so they had to form their own.

And really, if you want to make more money as a woman, you should be in a male-dominated field. It forces you to let go of the New Girls’ Club crutch because there are so many men that all-female networking skills become irrelevant. Which means the New Girls’ Club doesn’t work – it actually holds women back in the end.

Further reading: The G-20 is Complete BS for Women

Sometimes the number of requests I get to do something surprise me. After all, someone took the time to write me a personalized message asking me to read their blog, tweet a link for them, review their book, or announce their contest. Or, at the least, they copied and pasted a form letter and put my name at the top – hey, that still takes a lot of effort.

What surprises me more sometimes is that these requests actually work.

Someone DM’d (direct messaged) me yesterday on Twitter and asked me to read an article on his blog and write a comment. Though I’d never read his blog before, he seemed like a nice guy, his request was polite and personal, and either way I was already following him on Twitter, so why not cement that connection a little further?

I ended up going to his post and adding a comment, because I actually did have something to say about it. Then I found another one of his posts in his similar posts section, which I loved. I tweeted it immediately, and the post got three retweets from my followers. I also received a few messages from my followers, thanking me for sharing the link with them because it was exactly what they had been looking for.

Then I subscribed to his blog, because two good articles on one site indicates more good articles to come.

He didn’t ask me to do those last two things, but I’m glad I did because I benefited in the end – I got credit on Twitter for sharing information and I found a new source for quality articles.

Here is something maybe not so surprising – aside from the actual PR requests (or blasts) I receive, almost all of the requests I get are from guys. That’s because women are generally worse at negotiating than men, and naturally that trait spills into even trivial tasks like promoting a blog. I myself am guilty of this at times (though at least I do well at negotiating my salary, for the most part).

We all need to start asking more often. And as you can see, there are implicit benefits to respond to someone’s request and giving them exactly what they want. So here are some people who sent me requests lately:

The Forte Foundation

I love what the Forte Foundation does, and I was thrilled to receive this announcement:

An extension of our Career Labs, held on college campuses nationwide, the Career Lab Virtual Campus, provides undergraduates with free access to the secrets and insights that will help them navigate the early stages of their career.

Virtual Campus is broken down into three sections—Career Lab On Demand, Land Your Dream Job and Girl Talk—undergrads can watch videos, listen to podcasts, and ask questions on the Discussion Forum.

Dan Schawbel’s Personal Branding Magazine

As usual, Dan Schawbel has wowed me with another impressive issue of Personal Branding Magazine, which comes out February 1st.

Free sample URL: www.personalbrandingsample.com
Paid subscription URL: www.personalbrandingmag.com
Facebook page: www.facebook.com/pages/Personal-Branding-Magazine/18138629524

MWW Group Contest

This looks like a fun contest – entry is free, easy, and the prizes are pretty substantial.

MWW Group is asking individuals and organizations to provide a 100 word written or spoken (via video) description of a positive change that they hope will happen during Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s based on the idea that ever since FDR’s administration, every President has been measured by their accomplishments during their first 100 days. Submissions are sent in via the website www.mww.com/change

Gen-Y Hospitality Report

Here’s a cool report about how Gen Y views hospitality. Good read for anyone who studies or writes about Gen Y – plus my friend Greg helped put it together. You can get the report here: Gen Y Hospitality Report.

And… Me

And since I should take my own advice about asking, here are a few requests of my own. If you aren’t already, consider subscribing to my blog (600+ already do) or following me on Twitter (1400+ already do).

Also, the job hunt I started in January is going extremely well and I should have good news within the next few weeks. However, if you have any good leads for positions within the city limits of Chicago (no suburbs) in the areas of social media, technology, marketing, or business, please send me an email, tweet, or leave a comment. Thanks!

In my Theories of Leadership class this quarter, we learned a lot of techniques to become leaders, but the main objective of the course remained to find your own leadership style, because that’s the one that would work best for you.

I have to wonder if that’s right, though. Because as I look back at the recent US Presidential election, there are clear patterns of which leadership styles worked for women and which didn’t. The goal of this article is to show women how they can become leaders in male-dominated environments, using examples from the US Presidential election.

Let’s start with Hillary Clinton. Why exactly did she lose the democratic nomination to Obama? The burning question on my mind: was it because she was a woman?

Jaclyn Schiff of The Schiff Report, who lives and works at the heart of it all in Washington DC, says, “From talking to people who worked for the campaign and volunteered for it, I got the sense that people at the top were disagreeing a lot, which detracted from the campaign’s overall message. Obama’s message also seemed to resonate better with people.”

Andrea Zak, of SchizoFrenetic, agrees. “Clinton went into the primaries EXPECTING to be the nominee.” She adds, “Clinton would have made an excellent president, but Obama ran a superior campaign.”

It is clear that Hillary Clinton made some obvious mistakes in her campaign for the Presidency. First, she was over-confident, and second, she either didn’t have the right message or did not convey her message clearly to the country, the voters.

Then again, one of the points stressed over and over again about leadership is that a leader must embody the traits of the group of followers she is trying to lead. When asked how women associated with the election were portrayed in the media, Jen Williamson of Catalyst Blogger insists, “There is absolutely a double standard. While Hillary Clinton got emotional, it was a big sign of weakness – she was a weak, weepy woman. When Joe Biden got choked up during the Vice Presidential debates, it was a sign of his humanity and the highlight of his performance. It goes the other way too – when Hillary gets forceful, she’s strident and bitchy. When male candidates get forceful, they’re tough and assertive.”

Milena Thomas of Quiet the Thunder disagrees. “I have a hard time deciding if [women] are portrayed differently. I’d like to say ‘women are not taken seriously.’ But then my mind goes to all the comedy pieces on Bush, McCain, Obama too… I don’t think any leader is safe from public scrutiny.”

Thomas does, however, point out, “It is tough for women to come across as strong as men. Their voices are higher pitched, their features are softer, their mannerisms are not firm; and if they are, people are turned off because it’s not feminine. Apparently you can’t win.”

And Hillary didn’t win, in my opinion partly because she couldn’t embody what America wanted. Whether that was the message of hope that Obama brought, or if it was as simple as the US needing a seemingly stronger and more masculine leader to get us through this trying time – I still can’t decide. What is clear, however, is that aspiring women leaders must be careful to walk a very thin line, not appearing too masculine or too feminine – the hybrid alpha girl, so to speak.

The hybrid alpha girl to some extent could be found in United States VP candidate Sarah Palin. She came across to me as tough – working woman with a stay-at-home-husband, strong convictions – yet she still had her share of Jessica Simpson moments that quickly propelled her to celebrity stature rather than that of a serious political candidate.

For me, Palin was someone I wanted to be friends with, someone I would recruit for my college sorority, instead of someone I would ever look up to and entrust with running a country. I liked her, but not for her stance on issues, just for eye candy on the GOP ticket. Monica Evans of Life in the Middle Lane shared similar sentiments. “Sarah is a very attractive woman, and I think that gives her points. Whenever someone asks me what I think about Sarah, I always say she is super pretty.” Let’s be honest though – when you are running for Vice-President of the United States, the last thing you want to be known for is being “super pretty.”

While Palin appeared to appeal to many intelligent women on some level, most still didn’t want to vote for her because she didn’t appeal to them as a vice-presidential candidate. The moral of the story is “celebrity” is too often confused with leadership, and I believe that is why Sarah Palin was so unpopular throughout the campaign. My instinct is that too much celebrity is much more detrimental to women than men, because of how female celebrities who “act out” are portrayed in the media. Few of the techniques women use to get ahead socially translate well for women trying to become leaders.

Given the profiles of both Clinton and Palin, one begs the question – what kind of woman leader does America want? The answer is Michelle Obama.

In my observation, Clinton had difficulty relating to stay-at-home-moms, while Palin had difficulty relating to young, single, working women; but somehow, Michelle Obama seems to appeal to both, as demonstrated by the positive response I received from the Gen Y women I interviewed.

Evans explains “I love Michelle. Actually, I love Michelle more than Obama. There are probably little black girls (like me) who are stoked that we have another black woman (other than Condi, who I also admire) on the main stage.” She adds, “I think her causes would be more in line with my own causes (just based on her background and other volunteer work). I’m excited to see what she would do with her First Lady platform.”

Thomas says, “I think women like her, they think she is fashionable and shows personal strength. I think women think of her as a role model.”

Zak adds another layer. “That she’s a well-spoken and well-educated woman connects with other women voters and has allowed her to campaign on behalf of her husband. [Barack Obama] and Michelle are also going to be great role models for a healthy marriage. Their open displays of affection are so different than what we’re used to seeing from political couples. They look like they’re in love and that they’re a team raising their children… it’s refreshing to see a couple that highlights the best of contemporary marriage.”

Zak hits on a huge point – that a leader’s personal life is just as important to her followers as her professional life. In this case, Americans are striving for contemporary marriages; so if you want to be a female leader in America you can start by becoming the contemporary wife, currently being defined by Michelle Obama.

All of this news is great for Michelle Obama, but what does that mean for future females vying for the US presidency? After all, Michelle Obama was never a candidate, just a candidate’s wife who now has the opportunity to influence the country.

Zak appears to see the current President Elect as a good sign for women. She explains, “African-American men got the right to vote before (white) women… If you’re looking at the trajectory of history, it seems to follow that Americans would be comfortable with an African-American man as President before a woman.”

Schiff takes a different approach. She says of Clinton and Palin, “Since we’ve had two women very publicly vying for the highest political office in the land over the last few months, it gets people more comfortable with the idea of having women in these roles… their candidacy has still contributed to an important ongoing discussion about gender roles and leadership.”

Williamson agrees with Schiff, but adds, “The fact that race and gender are even issues worth mentioning reveals that America is still a deeply racist and sexist place. When race and gender are like hair color and eye color – personal accents that have nothing to do with a candidate’s ability to lead the country, rarely brought up in coverage and commentary because they are so laughably irrelevant – then I think we’ll have gotten somewhere.”

Below is a summary of the leadership lessons I’ve drawn from the US Presidential election. I’m curious though: What do YOU think? Leave a comment to share your opinion!

IN SUMMARY

Leadership Lessons for Everyone:

  • Always operate as the underdog, even when you are ahead
  • Have a clear message
  • Have a message that resonates with the people you are trying to lead
  • Embody the traits of the people you are trying to lead
  • Develop a tough skin and learn to accept/ignore criticism
  • Be personable – show your followers you are human

Leadership Lessons Specifically for Women:

  • Toe the fine line between aggressiveness and femininity
  • Avoid becoming too much of a celebrity if leadership is your ultimate goal
  • Dress well
  • Be intelligent and career-driven AND a good mom AND a supportive wife
  • Partner with a man if necessary (it pains me to put this on the list, but it’s still a reasonable conclusion to draw)

Today I’ve explained why I think these lessons are essential for aspiring female leaders, but if there’s interest, I can write more about how to start applying these lessons in the future.

Special thanks to the Gen Y thought leaders who contributed to this article – if you enjoy this blog you will enjoy theirs as well:

With a background in computer science and dreams of entrepreneurship, I am reminded every day that in my career I am a woman playing in a man’s world. So I am constantly looking for powerful female role models that have succeeded in a male-dominated environment.

Which is why I was extremely disappointed when Hillary Clinton lost the nomination for the United States presidency.

Don’t get me wrong – there was plenty I didn’t like about Hillary. Just like there was plenty I didn’t like about Obama. But with the two having similar platforms I mostly agreed with, I picked the woman.

Yes, I admit it. I desperately wanted the woman to win, because in my field the women who win are few and far between because there are hardly any women to begin with.

But I may still get my wish for having a powerful female role model in the White House in Michelle Obama, which is one reason I’m now wholeheartedly throwing all my support behind her husband Barack. Here’s why:

Michelle Obama is Authentic

Michelle Obama speaks openly about her husband and their family life. She admits she never wanted Barack in politics and discusses the sacrifice she has made for this country – allowing her family to undergo scrutiny in order to support her husband’s presidential campaign. Women can relate to this sacrifice she makes – as a wife and as a mother – and Michelle rallies them around her.

Michelle’s authenticity wouldn’t be possible if she was running for presidency, because her words would be considered weak rather than heartening. But with no pressure to make promises to her audience, Michelle Obama is nearly unstoppable in her efforts to gain a following of passionate citizens.

Michelle Obama is Educated

Michelle Obama has the same impressive educational background as Hilary Clinton – she graduated from Harvard Law school in 1988 and has been a practicing lawyer since, serving at universities, for firms, and in politics with Mayor Daley of Chicago.

Michelle Obama has a strong career history in politics and law and is clearly a close adviser to her husband. I believe her ability to balance femininity with power is what the women in this country need to take the next step into leadership and eventually into a female presidency. Being an alpha female is no longer about joining the Good ‘Ol Boys club, which is the perception Hillary Clinton gave many of us. Instead, it’s about taking the natural abilities and strengths that women are blessed with and using them to change the world in a different way than a man could.

Michelle Obama is the new Jackie Kennedy

The elegance, grace, and personal aesthetic of Jackie Kennedy has made her one of the most beloved first ladies in United States history. As I watch Michelle Obama, I notice similarities between the two women.

For example, the White House Black Market dress Michelle Obama wore on The View last week is flying off dress racks at nearly every store in the country. Michelle Obama is not even First Lady and she is already set to become an iconic woman of the 21st century. After all, when was the last time you bought something Laura Bush wore?

Perhaps you think the power to sell dresses is a frivolous Paris Hilton trait, but just think what Michelle Obama could sell if she used that power to support a charity. The position of First Lady is perfect for a woman interested in making a real difference in the world. While her husband runs the country, Michelle can put her influence to use in other, complimentary ways.

What do you think of Michelle Obama? Is she the female role model the United States needs right now?

I was one of the millions of women who stood in line at the movie theater on open weekend of the Sex and the City movie, and it was worth every minute because the movie was fantastic. This would not be possible without the sex, the city, the witty one-liners, or the fashion, but I’d argue these elements were just topping on the sundae. What really made the movie was the maturity of it, and I’m not talking about getting up close and personal with neighbor-boy Dante.

Did you notice where most of the tension in the movie came from? It was not catty arguments between the four main women. It was not the typical drama with men that we remember all too well from the TV series. Instead, it was each woman struggling with her own internal battle, and eventually overcoming it.

As the credits rolled, the takeaway was we are each responsible for our own happiness. Had Carrie allowed contact with Big, they would have reconciled much sooner. Had Miranda allowed marriage counseling, she would have been able to forgive Steve sooner. Had Samantha trusted her instincts, she would have left LA and Smith sooner (and avoided gaining 15 pounds). Had Charlotte gotten past her pregnancy fears, she would have started jogging sooner.

It was refreshing to see this group of characters we have followed and loved for the past ten years grow up and allow themselves to be happy. In the end, I really think that’s all it takes.

So today, right now, let yourself be comfortable in your own skin. Let yourself love what you have, rather than long for what you want. Let yourself release all the people and situations and things that are bogging you down.

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.” ~ Carrie Bradshaw