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Sexism exists everywhere, and it always will, because the genders are different and those differences affect how genders think and act towards each other. Pretending that sexism will go away is like pretending we can stop teenagers from having sex, or college students from binge drinking. Not going to happen. So let’s talk about what sexism is and how to deal with sexism in the workplace.
What Constitutes as Sexism?
Sexism is discrimination based on gender, and it comes in many forms.
It could be something simple, like my senior group project with four guys where they always wanted me to be the notetaker because I was a girl and I had the best handwriting. I think of these little comments and situations as “casual” sexism, because they usually stem from a lifetime of conditioning about gender stereotypes and are mostly unintentional. Luckily, simple situations usually have simple solutions: I handed the guys my laptop. Problem solved.
Or sexism can be serious, like in the case of the gender wage gap. For which I have no good advice because I believe a) in free markets and b) that the differences in pay between men and women are not caused by gender, but by other factors that correlate with gender. Like having children.
Sexual harrassment is part of sexism too, but I’m not going to touch on it in this article. You can read other women’s thoughts about it here.
As a woman, an important skill is knowing how to deal with career-limiting sexism in the workplace. Here are a few tips:
Find An Alternate Solution
When you experience “casual” sexism, there is usually nothing gained from pointing out that it is, in fact, sexism. It makes you look like a complainer. Instead, offer an alternate solution. For example, if you are always getting asked to complete a menial task, like scheduling lunches or meetings, suggest that the group rotates responsibility every month. Make it clear that the task is menial and the duty should be shared. If anything, people will respect that you are not their secretary.
Change Your Style to Match the Situation
It seems to bother people when I tell them they should change their style in professional settings, and that confuses me. We censor ourselves all the time in different types of situations, and I don’t see how this is different. So if you are at a meeting with all men who are ignoring you, speak louder and make your ideas heard. If everyone is interrupting each other, start interrupting to get your voice heard. It sounds crazy, but you will be much more successful in meetings and other workplace interactions when you adopt the dominate communication style. Yes, it’s out of your comfort zone, but I promise it won’t kill you.
At the same time, find a balance. Don’t completely change who you are, because that doesn’t work either. The key is to adapt by pushing your comfort zone outwards in every situation while still staying true to yourself.
Question If Gender Is Actually Important in the Situation
Everyone thinks that gender needs to balanced within organizations and groups. For example, women of all ages always try to convince me that young women should be working their way up the corporate ladders of Fortune 500 companies. “We need more women CEOs!” (Less than 2.5% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women.) But personally, I don’t want to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I want to be CEO of my own company.
And realistically, this works better for women. I see older generations of women who are finally starting their own businesses because they spent years chipping away at the glass ceiling with toothpick and a baby on one arm. And I want a family too, so working my way up the ladder just to hit a glass ceiling is unappealing; I’d rather skip it all together with freelancing or entrepreneurship, neither of which require sacrificing everything to borrow a sledgehammer.
So question why we must have 50/50 gender in every profession, organization, and school. Is it really important? Maybe genders are just attracted to different career paths because one’s gender is a factor in determining one’s strengths. Why aren’t we as a society okay with that?
Even the Playing Field a Little
Men disproportionately play chess, poker, and sports; so if you want to be seen as an equal with men, take up one of these hobbies. I chose (watching) sports, and the best way I learned to keep up with the teams and players every season is by joining fantasy leagues that my guy friends set up. You’d be surprised how easy and fun it is to pick up a hobby, and men don’t care if you are any good or not, they just think it’s cool you showed up to play. (Plus it gives you something to build a working relationship off of, which is always good for your career.)
What’s even more surprising is how competing against guys in one aspect of your life will bleed over to all other aspects. I first learned this lesson when my father put me in ju-jitsu lessons at age 13 and I had to spar boys during every class. It sucked, but I got very strong and very good at fighting in a short amount of time.
Know When To Leave
Honestly, I don’t think sexism (outside of sexual harassment) is a huge problem in the workplace, as long as women can learn to handle it. I don’t expect that to be a popular opinion because I’m overexposed to sexism by the nature of my profession and I’ve developed a high tolerance towards the stuff that bothers other women. (Plus sexism probably doesn’t affect my paycheck negatively anyway.)
But really, sexism is about drawing lines. Every person has their own line that they must draw, where on one side lie the things they will put up with and on the other lie the things they will not tolerate. Every time that line is crossed, that person has the choice to either deal or leave. And that person gets to pick the number of times they are willing to deal too.
So if sexism is out of control in your current workplace, by your standards, I would suggest leaving. And then stop working for companies that don’t draw their line where you draw yours. Stop working with bosses and coworkers that don’t draw their line where you draw yours. Find a company that aligns with your values, and you shouldn’t have any more problems with sexism.
And because I don’t want to be sexist, I’d like to open an invitation to the guys to write about sexism in the workplace. Sexism affects males too, but I can’t speak to the topic well because I’m not a guy. So if you send me a link for any past or present post or article about sexism from a man’s perspective, I will add it as a reference in this post.
Monica O'Brien is the Director of Digital at Fizz and author of the book Social Pollination, which helps businesses leverage social media for crazy growth!
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Is it sexist when my company invites attendees to a male-only professional organization? The company will pay for your ticket and they said it is open to females as well, but that they would discuss male-specific items such as men’s health, etc. I asked if there was the same opportunity to attend a female-only professional organization but was told there was not? It bothers me a little bit but am I being too sensitive?
It seems like they should offer a an alternative for women. I don’t think it’s anything personal against you, though. If you find a conference for women that would be comparable perhaps suggest it to your management team and ask if the would pay for tickets. Good luck!
i love this website
it made me think more of who i am not who i am supposed to be 
THANKS BABE
Anyone care to acknowledge “sexism” BY women TOWARD women in the workplace? How about the nursing profession? It’s rampant. I am leaving nurisng because of the behaviors – which as a member of an all-male family I do not and will never understand. Explore this topic?
How would you deal in a situation when one is excluded from conversations, activities, etc. because they assume being a female will not be interested. It’s frustrating and I see more sexism now than ever before. I think there should be another wave of bra-burning days.
Thanks for your blog, I have added it to my website, hope that is OK? It is a website dedicated to Sexism and the Media. Have a great day, K.F.
Question for you.. I have a boss that, when I accomplish something (many things) he says “good girl”. This not only makes me feel like I could be 7 again (which I’m 32) but I could very well be a dog. This obviously is making me feel like he doens’t respect me. Today, I wanted to snap back when he said it back in an email. I wanted to ask if he says “good boy” to any of the men working here. It really bothers me I guess.. What would you suggest I do to get him to stop this? I overall love my job and don’t wish to leave.. but he needs to stop saying this to me.. To make things worse – I’m the HR manager for his business and it’s really tough to deal with this. Thank you!
you may find out that your boss does this innocently and actually means to please you. this also depends on his age. he might be an old man who has been saying the same to his daughters who are actually your agemates. just tell him you dont like it. what will matter here is the way you tell him. get him in his right moods and tell him you have outgrown the complement of “good girl” it may come as a joke but it will deliver the message
Tanya, I can sympathize with your question. It can be very frustrating. But I think you need to stand up for yourself by telling them that you would actually be interested in attending. It is ok to “invite” yourself to something that you deserve to be in attendance. Simply ask them questions about it which will begin to show them that you are interested. And then you can say to them, “You know, I would really like to take part in your next meeting.” It couldn’t hurt anything. Just be honest with them. I work in a professional office and am a young woman. I am an administrator, but because of a lack of office space, I have a desk that is not enclosed in an office. It frustrates me that almost everyone who doesn’t know me (i.e., customers, new employees) automatically assumes I am a young secretary based on gender, age, and office location. Unfortunately, people have come to believe that they can treat “secretaries” poorly and think of that position as “below” everyone else, even those who don’t work there! Because they look at me as a secretary, they look down on me and tend to come right up and start requesting things of me before even an introduction! Both young and old men ALWAYS assume this, but it is even more frustrating when other women assume this as well. I feel like other women should know how it feels and not take the automatic approach to assume that a young female with a desk MUST be a secretary. How can we focus on changing this stereotype?
This is absolutely idiotic. You really think most women have the option of just packing up and leaving their job because of disgusting attitudes towards them? Especially in the current economic climate, but eitherway, they shouldn’t have to anyway. EVERYONE has the right to live and work in a world free from discrimination, and the only way we’ll ever achieve this is to take on sexism every time it rears its head, not to just encourage people to walk away and ignore it. Yours, A Male Feminist
Great site and i do think you are correct in that if you cannot deal with the situation, the best move should be out.
I work with men who gossip about me, continually make up lies to tarnish my reputation, and recently my manager, a vice president, has told me I need to make copies for a 25 year old young man whose in his first job. Last issue this week this week was that I needed to mail out his work. I need to point out that this young man is a peer. Needless to say I told my manager I would not make copies and that was not my job to mail out his work. The young man being supported by the vp (our manager) has directed his arrogance toward me and another woman in the group. He’s learning behavior of the “boys club”. I reported the situation to my HR rep to which she commented that there’s no reason why I should be doing these menial tasks for this young man. I am 48 years old, have worked in fortune 100 companies for nearly 30 years and graduated cum laude with a BS in Manaagement. I feel that these actions are meant to undermine me and my accomplishments . My question is, I’ve been advised that I should just be a ball buster and not say a word to the management or HR. Is this the best way to handle repeated negativity directed to me? There is the part of me that wants these “men” to know that their behavior is unacceptable. I don’t want to walk away a loser.
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Is this Sexism?
My husband works with 99% women; when he comes home and we discuss work he refers to his co workers as “the ladies”. I have told him that his thinking and comments are promoting sexism as he is looking at them as females and not individuals with titles for which they have earned and deserved, co workers or staff.
What do you think?
Is This Sexism?
My husband works with 99% women; when he comes home and we discuss work he refers to his co workers as “the ladies”. I have told him that his thinking is dated and comments are promoting sexism as he is looking at them as “skirts” only and not individuals with titles for which they have earned, or employees that have a name.
What do you think?
Now this is neither good nor bad but perhaps your husbands co-workers are like my female coworkers in the sense that they tend to exhibit sterotypically female behaviors. I'm a female and I've actually used the phrase “office ladies” because I think that's how they act. Examples include:
-Cleaning everyones' dishes from the office sink. (its not your house so why do you care? Eventually there wont be any more clean dishes and someone will end up doing them)
-Serving/setting up during pot luck or birthday meals
-”Making a plate” for male coworkers during the above (A female engineer at a monthly plantwide luncheon recently asked did I “not want to make a plate for” a department manager who was on a conference call. To this I responded I'd be happy to find him & remind him about lunch but that I'm not his mother & he can make his own plate)
-Talking about one's children, wardrobe, diet or weight or personal issues in the workplace
-Talking about what the desperate housewives are up to
-Asking a male co worker to move something as simple as a folding table (sometimes I have to remind them we can do it just as easily with one of us lifting each end)
-Bringing children to work even if its just for an hour
I think you're being too sensitive. In my opinion, a professional organization is one that directly pertains to your particular industry and employers foot the bill because this builds knowledge or client base. I have zero desire to attend a lecture on women's health along with my office mates and possibly competitors from another company Besides they said you could go.
Steve,
I think it’s a solution when you’re not able to change the environment. Sometimes you can only change yourself. To be honest, not every woman has the confidence and strength to be a crusader for women’s rights… I think every woman at least has the strength to leave a bad situation though (I hope).
Thanks for the comment!
Thanks Valerie, (didn't know if this was an active site or not)
where he is speaking about “the ladies” is in a medical office… so you either have “techs”, “billing” or “front desk”….
if their was one GUY tech in the group it would change the dialog and he would be referring to them as, “techs” …. cos' he's not gonna say, “the ladies & the guy”, or “the ladies & the tech”….
so, just adding one more individual to the group of a different gender changes his perspective to make it more professional sounding (and off the gender only implication)
just having one addition- being male -to the group- makes this more professional in his thinking because of course a guy has earned his stripes to be called by his title.
I'll bet cha' if all these techs were male, he would not come home and refer to them as “the guys” he would call them techs
a little more light on the subject, my guy grew up in the James Bond era, he REALLY likes the ladies. i really feel like he is focusing on the fact he is working with “skirts” and not peers
one more thing… these females he works with are not the profile mentioned above.
they are not going to do anything beyond their own tasks at work, also they are known to be sexually vocal during work hours not caring who is listening to their conversations.
Thanks Valerie, (didn't know if this was an active site or not)
where he is speaking about “the ladies” is in a medical office… so you either have “techs”, “billing” or “front desk”….
if their was one GUY tech in the group it would change the dialog and he would be referring to them as, “techs” …. cos' he's not gonna say, “the ladies & the guy”, or “the ladies & the tech”….
so, just adding one more individual to the group of a different gender changes his perspective to make it more professional sounding (and off the gender only implication)
just having one addition- being male -to the group- makes this more professional in his thinking because of course a guy has earned his stripes to be called by his title.
I'll bet cha' if all these techs were male, he would not come home and refer to them as “the guys” he would call them techs
a little more light on the subject, my guy grew up in the James Bond era, he REALLY likes the ladies. i really feel like he is focusing on the fact he is working with “skirts” and not peers
one more thing… these females he works with are not the profile mentioned above.
they are not going to do anything beyond their own tasks at work, also they are known to be sexually vocal during work hours not caring who is listening to their conversations.
Stupid article–trivializes sexism. It may as well read: HOW TO ACCOMMODATE SEXIST ASSHOLES.
We really need to rid ourselves of “fake,”–or uneducated–opinions on how women should cater to discrimination. Sexism is NOT something that is natural or to be assumed our destiny. And the sooner we distance ourselves from “Uncle Tom” women–paid by the patriarchy to further subdue Feminist Activism–the faster women will achieve equal opportunity. ERA ALL THE WAY! Let's go, women! No more bullshit.
If women are encouraged to act alone–without the support of some kind of group–like an activist group or union–we are out on a limb. Women have not gone from lacking the rights to birth control, or own property, or to vote, or to be educated–by standing alone–finding “coping strategies.” Historically, women had to band together, educate one another, create momentum, stage protests, boycotts, and not suffer in silence, individually. When sexism is rampant, globally, the last thing we need are foolish women, writing articles, trying to talk us out of identifying sexism or telling us to find individual solutions to an institutionalized problem. Until the majority of women turn off the TV's and computers, talk to their friends, form coalitions, force “free markets” (which is a euphemism for maintaining the status quo) to not be consolidated by MOSTLY MALE-OWNED CORPORATIONS…until women stop apologizing for knowing our past…until women stop being ashamed of feminism (which is simply believing in your own human rights, for fuck's sake)…until women gather their justified rage over how we are raped, abused in our own homes, expected to be paid less and do more of the unpaid household labor–including raising children…until women stop listening to other women who capitulate…until we create leverage–through strategic planning–to exact severe consequences to men who take away our human rights…WE WILL BE FUCKED. If you don't believe sexism exists or that it is pervasive–YOU ARE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT. Don't believe me? Well pick up a copy of: THE PENGUIN ATLAS OF WOMEN IN THE WORLD. Read the statistics. Then, form your own conclusions. The only women who are not noticing the daily threat of oppression are sheltered or brain washed women–who hide behind an abundance of hoarded money–or simply have learned to be complacent, through repetitious submission. We only have so much time on the planet. Get out there, find an activist group and march. It is your duty–to yourself–and to the women who came before you–who sacrificed for the basic rights you enjoy, today. Find a baby-sitter, spend the extra $5 on gas to drive to an activist meeting. Take one night a week to GET INVOLVED. Turn off the fucking TV–maybe limit your computer time–tell you husband or boyfriend to shove it up his ass, when he feels threatened by your involvement with your own human rights. Fuck your stupid-ass church. Get out there and make the changes you know are necessary. Find a GROUP–and stand united. Don't listen to the noise that tries to tell you discrimination is “biologically-predetermined,” or “inevitable”, or “not happening,” or “not prevalent,” or “has a stupid, easy solution,” or that “feminists are man-haters”–or all the other bullshit, propaganda, that ignorant or manipulative people will throw your way. You see who owns the majority of our companies. You see what groups are out-numbered in decision-making power–in govt. and curriculum planning. You see what group commits the majority of violent crimes. You see when the churches teach offensive double standards, you see the advertising we are expected to tolerate…get up off your ass–FIND A GROUP AND DO SOMETHING–not next week, not next year…NOW! And if people show up to your group and cause friction, or create drama, or try to lead the group into chaos–fucking contain their ass–and continue with your goals. (Paid disruptors are commonly seen in activist groups. Don't believe me? Study the history of “COINTEL PRO.”) Come on people, time is a-wasting…no one handed our mothers and grandmothers their rights. They had to fight for them. Get up and march.
I'm a male mechanic and at my workplace there is a supervisor that is always talking about wanting some of the (P Word) or making a baby, or some other off handed sexist comments like that. I am a Christian and yet when I make a Christian comment or am nice to someone I am picked on. This bothers me greatly. I have mentioned it to his supervisor and nothing has been done about it. What should I do?
Younger women are not only facing sexism from guys co-workers but also from older women. If you have a woman supervisor or manager who is a sexist, your life in the office is not going to be very nice. Due to guys' behaviors, older women would try to eliminate younger women at work. They will do anything. I think it is important that women learn how to be encouraging and work harmoniously with other women. Older women need to try to control their jealousy at work. That is already a huge step toward solving sexism.
Anger is never the way to solve any problems whatever the situation is.
Dear Monica,
Thanks for your helpful advices. I have tried almost all of them. actualy they work, but exhaust me.
I am the first female student admitted to our department( automotive engineering).
are you fucking KIDDING me?
“Honestly, I don’t think sexism (outside of sexual harassment) is a huge problem in the workplace, as long as women can learn to handle it.”
it's not women's job to pick up the slack, and the fact that you think it is makes you a misogynist. great article. you're perpetuating the dominant paradigm by saying that anything that feminists have trouble with is based on their own world view and that our current system works.
are you fucking KIDDING me?
“Honestly, I don’t think sexism (outside of sexual harassment) is a huge problem in the workplace, as long as women can learn to handle it.”
it's not women's job to pick up the slack, and the fact that you think it is makes you a misogynist. great article. you're perpetuating the dominant paradigm by saying that anything that feminists have trouble with is based on their own world view and that our current system works.
it is a real bitch that some tight ass bitch with a pretty face and big boobs will most always get a job over me even thoughI am more qualified, that is sexism
don't bitch, bitch because your female you have about a 300% more chance of getting a job then me.
I am an assistant in a guidance office – I used to be a valuable part of a team until more women came into the office … now they have successfully excluded me from the department. I have my own duties, I do not do anyone’s “secretarial” and I used to be treated as a valuable part of the department – these women are teachers and as far as they are concerned if you aren’t a teacher, you shouldn’t be included. The only man left is our Guidance Head and I think he’s feeling a little outnumbered … I have told him how I feel but he has no idea how to fix things. Nice guy but he’s close to retirement and doesn’t want to deal with it I think. Any suggestions?
Nancy,
That’s a tough predicament… I would say if you can’t talk to people and get them to include/respect you, you have to make a decision. Are you comfortable with not being included and just doing your job, or is it so bad you would quit? Wish you the best in your decision.
Nancy,
Sounds like an awful place to work. A good book I’ve used to learn how to deal with situations like these (and I plug this book all the time, so sorry if you’ve already heard of it) is Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office by Lois P. Frankel. Personally (and I’m not expert in this), I wouldn’t approach HR until I had several documented incidents of the disparity you are experiencing. I would also attempt to solve the problem with assertive, direct remarks when the event happens (sounds like you are doing this already). Finally, to actually have a strong case with HR, you have to demonstrate that this behavior is shown specifically to all women, and not to other men.
I wish you the best as you try to navigate this sticky situation.
Geena,
I’m sorry to hear that! Hope things get better for you.