Man, I’ve been meaning to blog about this! I don’t think I want kids. This thought never crossed my mind until I started dating GIWS, who was 99% certain he didn’t want kids. I had to ask myself how important it was to me, why I wanted them, etc. I could go on and on here, but you may have just inspired me to go ahead with the post! (Side note: My friends were HORRIFIED when I even just *mentioned* possibly not having kids. It was somehow offensive to them.)
Holly, I would love to read your thoughts on this. I feel like we probably have similar personality types. It’s really difficult to find women with my personality type, I feel. And I grew up in the Midwest, where it’s pretty much blasphemy to not get married and have children.
Anyway, I haven’t decided I don’t want to have kids. But I really have to wonder how it would work – it’s so much easier for men, I feel. Society is set up for men to still do well with kids, even if their personality type is not conducive to it.
Really motherhood is total devotion! I don’t think any comment can change your thought on that cos its personality. Am a mother with a son then not that easy combining it with my career, its needs sacrificing. Though i don’t like the idea of stay at home hubby but with nanny to take care of him the psychology of someone is there expecting me is the case.
Personally i love being a mother, its fun!
I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids. My husband and I talk about it quite often, and we just don’t want kids. When we get the quesion “when are you going to start having babies” (which I can’t stand BTW), people are shocked that we would even consider NOT having kids. Because everyone knows, you grow up, get married, and have babies, and la la la. I hate that reaction we get, like we don’t know what we’re talking about. We’re adults making a decision about OUR lives… it’s better than someone getting pregnant and having a baby they don’t even want. My own opinion, of course.
Really interesting post. Perhaps especially interesting for me because I’m an INTP as well.
I have an open mind about kids. I’ve never had an active desire for them. Right now I’m 22, very career focused, still working stuff out about *me*, and not even seriously dating.
But… if I meet a guy I really like, and somewhere down the line it seems to make sense, then I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea — in fact, if you really love someone, then it might seem a delightful idea to raise a child together. Especially if I’m convinced he’d be a good father and play an active part in raising the child.
On the other hand, whether I have kids depends on the relationship.
I’ve never had housewife tendencies, but I’d take the personality “types” with a pinch of salt… we’re still individuals, and individuals in a flux of life. There’s a time and place for everything — perhaps it’s just not _now_.
Not everyone’s cut out for this parenting thing. Maybe a better way to say it is that some are better than others. I could never be a stay at home dad because I’m not the nurturing type. I’d also find it hard to respect myself if I wasn’t the one responsible for taking care of the bills. I’ll probably be a Dad someday, just not the one staying home with the kids all day.
I’m confused, did you take the MBTI or just study the types? The reason I ask is because (psych nerd alert) most people who bypass the test and try to diagnose themselves just using the letters get it wrong. The purpose of the test is to determine your personality type without allowing your impression of your personality type to get in the way. Who knows, maybe you’re different than you think?
Anyone who can handle a puppy at 6am (mine’s 10 months old now but the first couple weeks were really hard!) has to have some motherly inclinations.
I’m not trying to say you’re wrong, but I am cautioning you not to put too much weight on your MBTI type. Be who you are, whether that is a person who wants kids or doesn’t, and let your type reflect you. Don’t reflect your type or let it determine how you live your life.
Hello fellow rational ladies. INTJ girlgeek here, and not a nurturing or domestic bone in my body.
Something to think about. Before you decline to make a contribution to the gene pool, think about why your personality type is the rarest one. Think about why you never meet other women like you and why these domestic stereotypes exist in the first place. What happens if all the female engineers and scientists in the world decide they’re not cut out for parenting? That’s right, the world ends up being run by busybody guardians, and artisans who can’t plan ahead. Please at least rent the movie Idiocracy and let it sink in.
I’m lucky to have a husband who wants to take care of my kids. I actually like kids (at least smart ones like I was) that are at least 6 years old or so. It’s just babies I’m terrified of and not emotionally equipped to deal with. It’s not as much children I’m afraid of, it’s stagnation, being tied down, and suburban hell (and the concept of childbirth scares the hell out of me). Life doesn’t need to be like that if you have kids, you just need to figure out how to free yourself form corporate servitude while you are still young. If you have an independent income or one not tied to an hourly salary, perhaps it doesn’t have to be so bad.
The whole kid thing is hard. I’m the youngest person on my staff, and no one at my job has kids. We’re journalists, so I’ve been quite scared of the prospect of having a child and being a full-time magazine editor. My hubby-to-be is a writer too (for TV) so it looks like he would have a better chance at being the parent that the kid spends the most time with.
It kind of ended up being that way when I was growing up: grandma took care of us, Dad worked until 6, Mom worked ALL day at a horrible job that kept her until the wee hours of the night. But she still made time for my sister and I. Even if she was coming home at 10 p.m., she checked our homework and made sure we had lunches ready for school the next day.
I fear that I won’t be able to be such a great mom. She’s fantastic, and I think my sis and I turned out OK.
You said “Society is set up for men to still do well with kids, even if their personality type is not conducive to it.”
I’m not sure it is.. Men can have kids and successful careers, but does that mean he’s a good father or that he’s there for his kids? Many richer couples send their children to boarding school, so for most of the year the parents don’t have to deal with their kids on a daily basis, or they hire a nanny who does the dirty work.
Behind a lot of successful men who have children is either a hard working mother, nanny or an expensive boarding school.
There’s no shame in wanting a career and children but you have to plan ahead. It’s possible for women as well as men, but you’ll be a different type of parent to the mother or father who was at home to have dinner with the kids and didn’t have to leave for the office so early that the kids are still asleep when they leave. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be bad mother, just a busy professional mother
Have you read Barbara Ehrenreich’s thoughts on MBTI? She presents compelling research on the misuse of MBTI during the hiring process (& corporate America) in her book BAIT & SWITCHED. I think Jungian psychology is interesting, but I would argue that its hermeneutic is limited to a personal reflection. MBTI is often inappropriately applied in the workforce. The results are personal (at best) and are not scientifically grounded.
My two cents, yo. I would be careful with reading too much into personality tests, horoscopes, astrological charts, etc.
Being a mother isn’t about being domestic and having cookies ready when the kids get home from school, it’s about creating and nurturing a new person; like a form of long term mentoring. Also, your MBTI type is from who you are, you are you, you aren’t only your MBTI type. My grandparents raised me most of my life, I can’t say what their type is, but they were both workaholics who believed that the only thing worse then being coddled and being a hippie was to sleep in past 6 am. And idle hands are the devils playground. They were definitely not the motherly types and I turned out okay, I think.
If you want a feeling of what it would be like to be a parent try hosting an exchange student for a couple weeks in the summer. My family did it when I was in high school and it is a fantastic opportunity and learning experience for both parties involved.
Hi everyone. Sorry I haven’t responded so quickly. The truth is I’ve been avoiding response because it was a hard post to write.
Laura, I agree – it’s beyond annoying to get asked the question “when are the kids coming?” every time I talk to a single friend. Kids are not reason everyone gets married.
Biodun, congrats on motherhood!
Rebecca, what you’re saying is exactly how I feel about this. I think you’re right, while we may never have strong motherhood tendencies, it really is about raising a child with someone else. I feel like a marriage could give someone a reason to have children almost, because it’s based on love, and that loves transfers to the entire family.
Michael, I completely understand that. I don’t feel like I would be the one to stay at home either. But what I’m realizing from some of the comments is I can be a good mother without giving up my entire life.
Erika, you are completely right, personality types don’t define you. If they did there would only be 16 people in the whole world. I did actually just take the test, though not with a professional. Then I investigated my type more to make sure it was really me, and it was. The reason I wrote about my personality type is because it’s a pretty tangible representation oh who I am, for the most part.
Jemimah, interesting thoughts. But I wonder what you would do if you had a child who wasn’t smart? Children deserve unconditional love, and I think it’s a risky gamble to expect your child to be smart.
Michelle, I can definitely relate to how you feel. But I guess give it time. That’s what I’m going to do, so we’ll see how it all works out. No decisions need to made just yet.
Conor, good points. I’m starting to think that if you want kids, you will make it work out for yourself. But I’m still glad I thought about this and wrote about this, because everyone should make a conscious choice about children, and not just mindlessly have them since society for the most part expects it.
Laurie, I have not read the book you mentioned. I agree with you, MBTI’s are not good in the workplace, especially in a larger corporation. At my startup we talk about our MBTIs a lot; but there are less than ten employees. I think it can help on teams to get a general idea of how people are and how you might interact with them. So far it’s really helped me understand my colleagues, and why they interact with me the way they do.
Jessica, interesting idea about hosting an exchange student for the summer. Would have never thought of that!
Hey Monica, haven’t visited in a while, but this post caught my eye. Having kids is something I’m deeply conflicted (and opinionated) about, and so is my blogging partner, Honey.
She argues that the planet is totally over-populated, and that any kids we bring into the world have a poor chance of doing “better” than their parents…you can define better, but the most common metric is job/money. It’s simple stats really, there are just way WAY more people than there are excellent roles for them to fulfill. With that in mind, she doesn’t plan to have kids, but she would adopt them, because there are many children that need good homes. I tend to agree, although my stance is a bit softer.
It certainly does worry me though, because I’m not satisfied with my station in life, how could I bring children into the world and expect them (and myself) to succeed? Firstly, I’m a poor position to have a family, and secondly, can I reasonably set them up for a lifetime of opportunity and success? I’m not so sure. Also, I don’t think having children just for an emotional fulfillment on the part of the parents is rationale or reasonable.
I’m an an INTP…and 7 months pregnant. So far I have two main observations about being pregnant (and being INTP): 1) The crazy emotions have been MUCH more difficult to deal with than the physical symptoms. It’s quite fascinating. That was definitely not my hypothesis before getting pregnant. 2) I am totally discovering the nuturing side of myself which I had no idea even existed. It’s fascinating. It’s like uncovering a new scientific theory. So, so far I have just used my weirdo INTP traits to deal with pregnancy and impending motherhood. I may not be the most gushy, lovey-dovey mother in the world, but I think our unique INTP characteristics are different than most, but very valuable for motherhood!
Lance, I think your concerns are normal. Probably everyone, regardless of personality type, worries about the decision to have children at some point. Thanks for visiting!
INTP scientist, honestly, your words reassure me quite a bit. I’m definitely not a gushy, lovey-dovey person. Actually, those three words next to each other make me nauseated. But I guess my point is I relate to what you are saying, and I’m glad to hear that it’s okay to be a quirky science person and also be a mother. I’d love to get an update after you and the baby get settled!
Who knows? I’m a 25 single guy that hates comitment and can’t seem to stay in a relationship. My flaws aside, I love children and am positive I want them. Two reasons, first, there a lot of stupid people in the world and christ be damned if I’ll let them overpopulate it (see idiocracy). Second, I can’t wait to share who I am and all the wonderful beautiful things in the world with said children.
I guess that’s kind of sappy but I’m not your typical guy. I threw away my MBTI test and do my best to shed social norms and stereotypes no matter how hard people push them unto me.
Monica, I am a very similar personality type to you and a few years ago I would have cringed at the thought of being home with kids all day. But the time came for me to go back to school to work on a master’s degree. My wife went back to work and I … stayed home with the kids …. Extremely hard for me. I am going through lots of changes in my personality. We all tend to do this as we grow and learn. For what it’s worth, get married, have kids, and overcome your phobias. You will love it, it will change you, and you will not regret it.
I read E with great caution. Sometimes she gets it right. Other times. not at all.
Mothering comes in lots of varieties. Type is only a part of the picture. There is much more to everybody than type, including your personal history. Nonetheless, type can provide some insight for mom, dad, and the little one. Different types mother (and father) in different ways. See Penley, J. P., & Eble, D. (2006). MotherStyles: Using personality type to discover your parenting strengths. Cambridge, MA: De Capo Press.
I’m also an INTP and have often thought that I might not have kids, but for some reason I can’t let go of thought that someday in the distant future I will probably have them. Then I read this, which made a lot of sense to me – it very accurately described my parenting style as I had already imagined it would be, and helped me get why I could still be a good mother, even though I’m not the obvious candidate:
INTPs as Parents
INTPs love and respect Knowledge, and want to pass their jewels of thought down to their children. Their greatest goal and satisfaction as a parent is seeing their children grow into independent, rational adults.
INTP parents are likely to encourage their children to grow as individuals, rather than attempt to fit them into a preconceived mold. They will stress autonomy through the children’s growth. They’re likely to respect their children’s opinions and wishes, and allow their children to have a voice and presence in the family.
The INTP parents are likely to be pretty laid-back and flexible with their children, sometimes to the point of being relatively “hands-off” with regards to the day-to-day issues. They’re likely to count on their spouse for providing structure and schedules. Since the INTP themself does not live in an overly structured or organized manner, they’re not likely to expect or create this environment for their children. If their spouse is not someone with the “J” preference, their children may suffer from a lack of boundaries. This is something the INTP should pay special attention to. Growing children don’t know Right from Wrong, and so benefit from having their parents define these boundaries for them.
In spite of their relatively unstructured approach to parenting, INTPs take their role as parent very seriously, and are likely to put forth much effort into doing what they feel will be most effective in helping their children grow into independent, wise adults. INTPs enjoy parenting, and get a lot of fun out of their children. They’re also likely to be very proud and loyal parents.
INTPs may have a problem meeting the emotional needs of their children. Although they generally are deeply caring and supportive individuals, the INTP does not always pick up on emotional clues. A troubled child of an unaware INTP parent may have to result to drastic “attention-getting” tactics to get their parent to understand their emotional difficulties. If you find yourself in this situation, you may find that expressing some of your own emotions will do wonders for your child, yourself, and your relationship. Although it may not be possible for you to suddenly be “tuned in” on what your children are feeling, at least you can let them know that you care.
Children of INTP parents generally remember them respectfully and affectionately as loyal, fair, and tolerant parents, who care for them a great deal, although they don’t often show it.
(from: http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP_rel.html)
As a unmarried, childfree INTJ/INTP thirtysomething, it is perfectly OK to not want to be married or have kids. Even though people keep telling me that I will change my mind, I am 99.9999% sure about my decision. Always remember that it’s YOUR life, not theirs.
Regarding MBTI type, I fluctuate between INTJ and INTP depending on how my life is going. Strange, right? Anywho….don’t put too much emphasis on the MBTI tests. They often offer interesting insight but should be the guidebook for your life.
I found your site while researching some career options. I’m an older guy and an INTP, and I hear what you are saying about finding a person to marry.
I just wanna say that, even thought I’m a pretty strong believer in MBTI, don’t let it limit you like that. You don’t HAVE to marry an ESFJ. I married an even stronger Introvert woman–and INTJ–and we’re totally fine. In fact I’d even go so far as to say that it’s a good thing I didn’t marry an opposite. Extroverts kinda bug me–my wife allows me the peace to be inside myself once in awhile.
Keep looking, just don’t use MBTI as your main criteria. Use your head–we INTP’s are good at that!
Please don’t use Type as a convenient excuse. I am a young INTP mom and I love my kid but not authorative and strict. I reasoned with him to make sure he gets the facts right and is always encouraging him to be confident in doing things. INTPs can make great parents depending on how develop a parent one is.In fact, or rather as a matter of fact, every different Type can be a great parent!!In a way, I am blessed that he listens to me more because of my approach, the INTP way. So, Type is not an excuse and one can always further develop oneself.
I was googling to see if I am kind of a niche personality in terms of my certain choices/preferences. That is when I found this page. Incidentally,I am an INTP. I want to thank you for the relief you offered to me, and now I see that there are indeed people who think my way.
Kudos to you for having the courage to write something like this. I feel the same way and always felt guilty and bullied by my kid-loving relatives (and society) who think I'm just a little too feminist. My cousin recently had a baby and that's all she talks about. I feel like I have to discuss the baby's pooping habits for about 20 minutes as well because that's what we “should” do as women. Her husband works and glances at the baby from time to time. I don't want this life. I'm sorry if society thinks that is wrong. That is society's problem. I think I'm beginning to accept myself as I really am. However, it is really hard when you are not surrounded by supportive people.
Kudos to you for having the courage to write something like this. I feel the same way and always felt guilty and bullied by my kid-loving relatives (and society) who think I'm just a little too feminist. My cousin recently had a baby and that's all she talks about. I feel like I have to discuss the baby's pooping habits for about 20 minutes as well because that's what we “should” do as women. Her husband works and glances at the baby from time to time. I don't want this life. I'm sorry if society thinks that is wrong. That is society's problem. I think I'm beginning to accept myself as I really am. However, it is really hard when you are not surrounded by supportive people.
I feel like…most people expect us to have kids…because most people do. Whether on purpose or not. Not because you have to, but if you know a lot of people, very few of them won't eventually go that route. It's expected because it is common and quite natural to reproduce. I really feel like most of the pressure comes from our own expectations of ourselves…are we normal, are we doing things the right way? We take ourselves more seriously at times than those around us. We sit up at night and worry about things nobody is concerned with like we think they are. A person who is afraid to speak in public for instance…do u remember anyone's speech from high school? I don't. But they feel as if it is the end of the world.
Most of the criticism we have is in our own heads, and once we get over that, we will do things for the right reason. I mean, there is nothing wrong with someone not having a kid. I feel like there are many people who maybe never should have. But I also notice that the people who are the most hesitant are often most aware of the things that make for bad parenting and avoid those as parents. A lot of my friends say these thing at times, but I can imagine them being better parents than most.
My personality type is very different than yours (ENFJ) but I like the way we all bring balance to each other. My boyfriend is waaaay different than me. You are who you are for a purpose. And if you are gonna be a mother, I'm sure your personality type will be tailor made for your child. So enjoy yourself, your future…and the new puppy
I feel like…most people expect us to have kids…because most people do. Whether on purpose or not. Not because you have to, but if you know a lot of people, very few of them won't eventually go that route. It's expected because it is common and quite natural to reproduce. I really feel like most of the pressure comes from our own expectations of ourselves…are we normal, are we doing things the right way? We take ourselves more seriously at times than those around us. We sit up at night and worry about things nobody is concerned with like we think they are. A person who is afraid to speak in public for instance…do u remember anyone's speech from high school? I don't. But they feel as if it is the end of the world.
Most of the criticism we have is in our own heads, and once we get over that, we will do things for the right reason. I mean, there is nothing wrong with someone not having a kid. I feel like there are many people who maybe never should have. But I also notice that the people who are the most hesitant are often most aware of the things that make for bad parenting and avoid those as parents. A lot of my friends say these thing at times, but I can imagine them being better parents than most.
My personality type is very different than yours (ENFJ) but I like the way we all bring balance to each other. My boyfriend is waaaay different than me. You are who you are for a purpose. And if you are gonna be a mother, I'm sure your personality type will be tailor made for your child. So enjoy yourself, your future…and the new puppy
it's ok to be INTP – trust me – you can train yourself to be more ESFJ “wifey/motherly”…but your natural personality will always remain INTP — don't sweat it, it is what it is
don't try to redefine motherhood, or gender roles – you should know that's illogical children are not animals, they are human beings with mind, body and soul – who need to be nourished and loved
if you're not a physical mother, you can always be a spiritual mother – and somehow through your INTP talents reach the minds and hearts of kids
it's ok to be INTP – trust me – you can train yourself to be more ESFJ “wifey/motherly”…but your natural personality will always remain INTP — don't sweat it, it is what it is
don't try to redefine motherhood, or gender roles – you should know that's illogical children are not animals, they are human beings with mind, body and soul – who need to be nourished and loved
if you're not a physical mother, you can always be a spiritual mother – and somehow through your INTP talents reach the minds and hearts of kids
Agreed! Or even more frustrating, when you do opt to tell people you don't think you will have children and they give you this sympathetic look and say how you still have time to decide (I'm 27 and wonder how much longer I will get that response).
I am weighing in late on this but being an INTP mother, I definately wanted to comment. First of all, as all of us INTP’s tend to do, you are overthinking it. Don’t think about it too much, just let life happen. In my 20′s I also thought I would never have children for many of the same reasons listed here. Too busy, too many things I wanted to do and didn’t want to be tied down. In my early 30′s I changed my mind and decided to have a child. As all parents say, there is nothing like parenthood. Probably the best and worst experience of your life. Before anyone takes offense, I say worse because nothing else will cause you such worry and headache but it is totally worth it. Nothing else has brought me the pure joy and satisfaction of being a mother. It does help to have a partner who is capable of chipping in and taking an active role. I ended up being a single parent after a few years and it was very hard until my child was older, about 5-6 and started becoming a little more independent and doing my things on his own. It is a real challenge for an INTP mom to deal with the routine that comes from having a young child. Even now, we get to school on time maybe one day out of five. (Lucky for us he goes to Montessori and they are not so rigid. I can’t stand the thought of public school but I digress.) I think having a child in my 30′s also helped. I also thought being stuck in Suburbia was a horrible fate but here I am in the thick of it. I definately could not have done it when I was younger but it is the best choice for us now.
Anyway the point is you don’t have to have it all figured out in advance. It will work out. I’m no longer obsessed with the way I think it should be, I have learned to deal with how it is which was a huge change for me.
Monica O'Brien is the Director of Digital at Fizz and author of the book Social Pollination, which helps businesses leverage social media for crazy growth!
Monica O'Brien is the Director of Digital at Fizz and author of the book Social Pollination, which helps businesses leverage social media for crazy growth!
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Man, I’ve been meaning to blog about this! I don’t think I want kids. This thought never crossed my mind until I started dating GIWS, who was 99% certain he didn’t want kids. I had to ask myself how important it was to me, why I wanted them, etc. I could go on and on here, but you may have just inspired me to go ahead with the post! (Side note: My friends were HORRIFIED when I even just *mentioned* possibly not having kids. It was somehow offensive to them.)
Holly, I would love to read your thoughts on this. I feel like we probably have similar personality types. It’s really difficult to find women with my personality type, I feel. And I grew up in the Midwest, where it’s pretty much blasphemy to not get married and have children.
Anyway, I haven’t decided I don’t want to have kids. But I really have to wonder how it would work – it’s so much easier for men, I feel. Society is set up for men to still do well with kids, even if their personality type is not conducive to it.
Really motherhood is total devotion! I don’t think any comment can change your thought on that cos its personality. Am a mother with a son then not that easy combining it with my career, its needs sacrificing. Though i don’t like the idea of stay at home hubby but with nanny to take care of him the psychology of someone is there expecting me is the case.
Personally i love being a mother, its fun!
I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids. My husband and I talk about it quite often, and we just don’t want kids. When we get the quesion “when are you going to start having babies” (which I can’t stand BTW), people are shocked that we would even consider NOT having kids. Because everyone knows, you grow up, get married, and have babies, and la la la. I hate that reaction we get, like we don’t know what we’re talking about. We’re adults making a decision about OUR lives… it’s better than someone getting pregnant and having a baby they don’t even want. My own opinion, of course.
Really interesting post. Perhaps especially interesting for me because I’m an INTP as well.
I have an open mind about kids. I’ve never had an active desire for them. Right now I’m 22, very career focused, still working stuff out about *me*, and not even seriously dating.
But… if I meet a guy I really like, and somewhere down the line it seems to make sense, then I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea — in fact, if you really love someone, then it might seem a delightful idea to raise a child together. Especially if I’m convinced he’d be a good father and play an active part in raising the child.
On the other hand, whether I have kids depends on the relationship.
I’ve never had housewife tendencies, but I’d take the personality “types” with a pinch of salt… we’re still individuals, and individuals in a flux of life. There’s a time and place for everything — perhaps it’s just not _now_.
Not everyone’s cut out for this parenting thing. Maybe a better way to say it is that some are better than others. I could never be a stay at home dad because I’m not the nurturing type. I’d also find it hard to respect myself if I wasn’t the one responsible for taking care of the bills. I’ll probably be a Dad someday, just not the one staying home with the kids all day.
I’m confused, did you take the MBTI or just study the types? The reason I ask is because (psych nerd alert) most people who bypass the test and try to diagnose themselves just using the letters get it wrong. The purpose of the test is to determine your personality type without allowing your impression of your personality type to get in the way. Who knows, maybe you’re different than you think?
Anyone who can handle a puppy at 6am (mine’s 10 months old now but the first couple weeks were really hard!) has to have some motherly inclinations.
I’m not trying to say you’re wrong, but I am cautioning you not to put too much weight on your MBTI type. Be who you are, whether that is a person who wants kids or doesn’t, and let your type reflect you. Don’t reflect your type or let it determine how you live your life.
Hello fellow rational ladies. INTJ girlgeek here, and not a nurturing or domestic bone in my body.
Something to think about. Before you decline to make a contribution to the gene pool, think about why your personality type is the rarest one. Think about why you never meet other women like you and why these domestic stereotypes exist in the first place. What happens if all the female engineers and scientists in the world decide they’re not cut out for parenting? That’s right, the world ends up being run by busybody guardians, and artisans who can’t plan ahead. Please at least rent the movie Idiocracy and let it sink in.
I’m lucky to have a husband who wants to take care of my kids. I actually like kids (at least smart ones like I was) that are at least 6 years old or so. It’s just babies I’m terrified of and not emotionally equipped to deal with. It’s not as much children I’m afraid of, it’s stagnation, being tied down, and suburban hell (and the concept of childbirth scares the hell out of me). Life doesn’t need to be like that if you have kids, you just need to figure out how to free yourself form corporate servitude while you are still young. If you have an independent income or one not tied to an hourly salary, perhaps it doesn’t have to be so bad.
The whole kid thing is hard. I’m the youngest person on my staff, and no one at my job has kids. We’re journalists, so I’ve been quite scared of the prospect of having a child and being a full-time magazine editor. My hubby-to-be is a writer too (for TV) so it looks like he would have a better chance at being the parent that the kid spends the most time with.
It kind of ended up being that way when I was growing up: grandma took care of us, Dad worked until 6, Mom worked ALL day at a horrible job that kept her until the wee hours of the night. But she still made time for my sister and I. Even if she was coming home at 10 p.m., she checked our homework and made sure we had lunches ready for school the next day.
I fear that I won’t be able to be such a great mom. She’s fantastic, and I think my sis and I turned out OK.
Hey Monica,
You said “Society is set up for men to still do well with kids, even if their personality type is not conducive to it.”
I’m not sure it is.. Men can have kids and successful careers, but does that mean he’s a good father or that he’s there for his kids? Many richer couples send their children to boarding school, so for most of the year the parents don’t have to deal with their kids on a daily basis, or they hire a nanny who does the dirty work.
Behind a lot of successful men who have children is either a hard working mother, nanny or an expensive boarding school.
There’s no shame in wanting a career and children but you have to plan ahead. It’s possible for women as well as men, but you’ll be a different type of parent to the mother or father who was at home to have dinner with the kids and didn’t have to leave for the office so early that the kids are still asleep when they leave. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be bad mother, just a busy professional mother
Monica,
Have you read Barbara Ehrenreich’s thoughts on MBTI? She presents compelling research on the misuse of MBTI during the hiring process (& corporate America) in her book BAIT & SWITCHED. I think Jungian psychology is interesting, but I would argue that its hermeneutic is limited to a personal reflection. MBTI is often inappropriately applied in the workforce. The results are personal (at best) and are not scientifically grounded.
My two cents, yo. I would be careful with reading too much into personality tests, horoscopes, astrological charts, etc.
Best,
Laurie Ruettimann
Being a mother isn’t about being domestic and having cookies ready when the kids get home from school, it’s about creating and nurturing a new person; like a form of long term mentoring. Also, your MBTI type is from who you are, you are you, you aren’t only your MBTI type. My grandparents raised me most of my life, I can’t say what their type is, but they were both workaholics who believed that the only thing worse then being coddled and being a hippie was to sleep in past 6 am. And idle hands are the devils playground. They were definitely not the motherly types and I turned out okay, I think.
If you want a feeling of what it would be like to be a parent try hosting an exchange student for a couple weeks in the summer. My family did it when I was in high school and it is a fantastic opportunity and learning experience for both parties involved.
Hi everyone. Sorry I haven’t responded so quickly. The truth is I’ve been avoiding response because it was a hard post to write.
Laura, I agree – it’s beyond annoying to get asked the question “when are the kids coming?” every time I talk to a single friend. Kids are not reason everyone gets married.
Biodun, congrats on motherhood!
Rebecca, what you’re saying is exactly how I feel about this. I think you’re right, while we may never have strong motherhood tendencies, it really is about raising a child with someone else. I feel like a marriage could give someone a reason to have children almost, because it’s based on love, and that loves transfers to the entire family.
Michael, I completely understand that. I don’t feel like I would be the one to stay at home either. But what I’m realizing from some of the comments is I can be a good mother without giving up my entire life.
Erika, you are completely right, personality types don’t define you. If they did there would only be 16 people in the whole world. I did actually just take the test, though not with a professional. Then I investigated my type more to make sure it was really me, and it was. The reason I wrote about my personality type is because it’s a pretty tangible representation oh who I am, for the most part.
Jemimah, interesting thoughts. But I wonder what you would do if you had a child who wasn’t smart? Children deserve unconditional love, and I think it’s a risky gamble to expect your child to be smart.
Michelle, I can definitely relate to how you feel. But I guess give it time. That’s what I’m going to do, so we’ll see how it all works out. No decisions need to made just yet.
Conor, good points. I’m starting to think that if you want kids, you will make it work out for yourself. But I’m still glad I thought about this and wrote about this, because everyone should make a conscious choice about children, and not just mindlessly have them since society for the most part expects it.
Laurie, I have not read the book you mentioned. I agree with you, MBTI’s are not good in the workplace, especially in a larger corporation. At my startup we talk about our MBTIs a lot; but there are less than ten employees. I think it can help on teams to get a general idea of how people are and how you might interact with them. So far it’s really helped me understand my colleagues, and why they interact with me the way they do.
Jessica, interesting idea about hosting an exchange student for the summer. Would have never thought of that!
Thanks again to everyone for the comments.
Hey Monica, haven’t visited in a while, but this post caught my eye. Having kids is something I’m deeply conflicted (and opinionated) about, and so is my blogging partner, Honey.
She argues that the planet is totally over-populated, and that any kids we bring into the world have a poor chance of doing “better” than their parents…you can define better, but the most common metric is job/money. It’s simple stats really, there are just way WAY more people than there are excellent roles for them to fulfill. With that in mind, she doesn’t plan to have kids, but she would adopt them, because there are many children that need good homes. I tend to agree, although my stance is a bit softer.
It certainly does worry me though, because I’m not satisfied with my station in life, how could I bring children into the world and expect them (and myself) to succeed? Firstly, I’m a poor position to have a family, and secondly, can I reasonably set them up for a lifetime of opportunity and success? I’m not so sure. Also, I don’t think having children just for an emotional fulfillment on the part of the parents is rationale or reasonable.
I’m an an INTP…and 7 months pregnant. So far I have two main observations about being pregnant (and being INTP): 1) The crazy emotions have been MUCH more difficult to deal with than the physical symptoms. It’s quite fascinating. That was definitely not my hypothesis before getting pregnant.
2) I am totally discovering the nuturing side of myself which I had no idea even existed. It’s fascinating. It’s like uncovering a new scientific theory. So, so far I have just used my weirdo INTP traits to deal with pregnancy and impending motherhood. I may not be the most gushy, lovey-dovey mother in the world, but I think our unique INTP characteristics are different than most, but very valuable for motherhood!
Lance, I think your concerns are normal. Probably everyone, regardless of personality type, worries about the decision to have children at some point. Thanks for visiting!
INTP scientist, honestly, your words reassure me quite a bit. I’m definitely not a gushy, lovey-dovey person. Actually, those three words next to each other make me nauseated. But I guess my point is I relate to what you are saying, and I’m glad to hear that it’s okay to be a quirky science person and also be a mother. I’d love to get an update after you and the baby get settled!
Who knows? I’m a 25 single guy that hates comitment and can’t seem to stay in a relationship. My flaws aside, I love children and am positive I want them. Two reasons, first, there a lot of stupid people in the world and christ be damned if I’ll let them overpopulate it (see idiocracy). Second, I can’t wait to share who I am and all the wonderful beautiful things in the world with said children.
I guess that’s kind of sappy but I’m not your typical guy. I threw away my MBTI test and do my best to shed social norms and stereotypes no matter how hard people push them unto me.
Monica, I am a very similar personality type to you and a few years ago I would have cringed at the thought of being home with kids all day. But the time came for me to go back to school to work on a master’s degree. My wife went back to work and I … stayed home with the kids …. Extremely hard for me. I am going through lots of changes in my personality. We all tend to do this as we grow and learn. For what it’s worth, get married, have kids, and overcome your phobias. You will love it, it will change you, and you will not regret it.
I read E with great caution. Sometimes she gets it right. Other times. not at all.
Mothering comes in lots of varieties. Type is only a part of the picture. There is much more to everybody than type, including your personal history. Nonetheless, type can provide some insight for mom, dad, and the little one. Different types mother (and father) in different ways. See Penley, J. P., & Eble, D. (2006). MotherStyles: Using personality type to discover your parenting strengths. Cambridge, MA: De Capo Press.
I’m also an INTP and have often thought that I might not have kids, but for some reason I can’t let go of thought that someday in the distant future I will probably have them. Then I read this, which made a lot of sense to me – it very accurately described my parenting style as I had already imagined it would be, and helped me get why I could still be a good mother, even though I’m not the obvious candidate:
INTPs as Parents
INTPs love and respect Knowledge, and want to pass their jewels of thought down to their children. Their greatest goal and satisfaction as a parent is seeing their children grow into independent, rational adults.
INTP parents are likely to encourage their children to grow as individuals, rather than attempt to fit them into a preconceived mold. They will stress autonomy through the children’s growth. They’re likely to respect their children’s opinions and wishes, and allow their children to have a voice and presence in the family.
The INTP parents are likely to be pretty laid-back and flexible with their children, sometimes to the point of being relatively “hands-off” with regards to the day-to-day issues. They’re likely to count on their spouse for providing structure and schedules. Since the INTP themself does not live in an overly structured or organized manner, they’re not likely to expect or create this environment for their children. If their spouse is not someone with the “J” preference, their children may suffer from a lack of boundaries. This is something the INTP should pay special attention to. Growing children don’t know Right from Wrong, and so benefit from having their parents define these boundaries for them.
In spite of their relatively unstructured approach to parenting, INTPs take their role as parent very seriously, and are likely to put forth much effort into doing what they feel will be most effective in helping their children grow into independent, wise adults. INTPs enjoy parenting, and get a lot of fun out of their children. They’re also likely to be very proud and loyal parents.
INTPs may have a problem meeting the emotional needs of their children. Although they generally are deeply caring and supportive individuals, the INTP does not always pick up on emotional clues. A troubled child of an unaware INTP parent may have to result to drastic “attention-getting” tactics to get their parent to understand their emotional difficulties. If you find yourself in this situation, you may find that expressing some of your own emotions will do wonders for your child, yourself, and your relationship. Although it may not be possible for you to suddenly be “tuned in” on what your children are feeling, at least you can let them know that you care.
Children of INTP parents generally remember them respectfully and affectionately as loyal, fair, and tolerant parents, who care for them a great deal, although they don’t often show it.
(from: http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP_rel.html)
As a unmarried, childfree INTJ/INTP thirtysomething, it is perfectly OK to not want to be married or have kids. Even though people keep telling me that I will change my mind, I am 99.9999% sure about my decision. Always remember that it’s YOUR life, not theirs.
Regarding MBTI type, I fluctuate between INTJ and INTP depending on how my life is going. Strange, right? Anywho….don’t put too much emphasis on the MBTI tests. They often offer interesting insight but should be the guidebook for your life.
Oops….I meant that MBTI tests SHOULD NOT be the guidebook for your life.
Hi Monica-
I found your site while researching some career options. I’m an older guy and an INTP, and I hear what you are saying about finding a person to marry.
I just wanna say that, even thought I’m a pretty strong believer in MBTI, don’t let it limit you like that. You don’t HAVE to marry an ESFJ. I married an even stronger Introvert woman–and INTJ–and we’re totally fine. In fact I’d even go so far as to say that it’s a good thing I didn’t marry an opposite. Extroverts kinda bug me–my wife allows me the peace to be inside myself once in awhile.
Keep looking, just don’t use MBTI as your main criteria. Use your head–we INTP’s are good at that!
Good luck,
D Brown
Please don’t use Type as a convenient excuse. I am a young INTP mom and I love my kid but not authorative and strict. I reasoned with him to make sure he gets the facts right and is always encouraging him to be confident in doing things. INTPs can make great parents depending on how develop a parent one is.In fact, or rather as a matter of fact, every different Type can be a great parent!!In a way, I am blessed that he listens to me more because of my approach, the INTP way. So, Type is not an excuse and one can always further develop oneself.
Good to hear from you. Quite a few INTP parents have spoken up, which is great! It makes me feel like I will do okay as a mom, when I’m ready. Thanks!
I was googling to see if I am kind of a niche personality in terms of my certain choices/preferences. That is when I found this page. Incidentally,I am an INTP. I want to thank you for the relief you offered to me, and now I see that there are indeed people who think my way.
Kudos to you for having the courage to write something like this. I feel the same way and always felt guilty and bullied by my kid-loving relatives (and society) who think I'm just a little too feminist. My cousin recently had a baby and that's all she talks about. I feel like I have to discuss the baby's pooping habits for about 20 minutes as well because that's what we “should” do as women. Her husband works and glances at the baby from time to time. I don't want this life. I'm sorry if society thinks that is wrong. That is society's problem. I think I'm beginning to accept myself as I really am. However, it is really hard when you are not surrounded by supportive people.
Kudos to you for having the courage to write something like this. I feel the same way and always felt guilty and bullied by my kid-loving relatives (and society) who think I'm just a little too feminist. My cousin recently had a baby and that's all she talks about. I feel like I have to discuss the baby's pooping habits for about 20 minutes as well because that's what we “should” do as women. Her husband works and glances at the baby from time to time. I don't want this life. I'm sorry if society thinks that is wrong. That is society's problem. I think I'm beginning to accept myself as I really am. However, it is really hard when you are not surrounded by supportive people.
I feel like…most people expect us to have kids…because most people do. Whether on purpose or not. Not because you have to, but if you know a lot of people, very few of them won't eventually go that route. It's expected because it is common and quite natural to reproduce. I really feel like most of the pressure comes from our own expectations of ourselves…are we normal, are we doing things the right way? We take ourselves more seriously at times than those around us. We sit up at night and worry about things nobody is concerned with like we think they are. A person who is afraid to speak in public for instance…do u remember anyone's speech from high school? I don't. But they feel as if it is the end of the world.
Most of the criticism we have is in our own heads, and once we get over that, we will do things for the right reason. I mean, there is nothing wrong with someone not having a kid. I feel like there are many people who maybe never should have. But I also notice that the people who are the most hesitant are often most aware of the things that make for bad parenting and avoid those as parents. A lot of my friends say these thing at times, but I can imagine them being better parents than most.
My personality type is very different than yours (ENFJ) but I like the way we all bring balance to each other. My boyfriend is waaaay different than me. You are who you are for a purpose. And if you are gonna be a mother, I'm sure your personality type will be tailor made for your child. So enjoy yourself, your future…and the new puppy
I feel like…most people expect us to have kids…because most people do. Whether on purpose or not. Not because you have to, but if you know a lot of people, very few of them won't eventually go that route. It's expected because it is common and quite natural to reproduce. I really feel like most of the pressure comes from our own expectations of ourselves…are we normal, are we doing things the right way? We take ourselves more seriously at times than those around us. We sit up at night and worry about things nobody is concerned with like we think they are. A person who is afraid to speak in public for instance…do u remember anyone's speech from high school? I don't. But they feel as if it is the end of the world.
Most of the criticism we have is in our own heads, and once we get over that, we will do things for the right reason. I mean, there is nothing wrong with someone not having a kid. I feel like there are many people who maybe never should have. But I also notice that the people who are the most hesitant are often most aware of the things that make for bad parenting and avoid those as parents. A lot of my friends say these thing at times, but I can imagine them being better parents than most.
My personality type is very different than yours (ENFJ) but I like the way we all bring balance to each other. My boyfriend is waaaay different than me. You are who you are for a purpose. And if you are gonna be a mother, I'm sure your personality type will be tailor made for your child. So enjoy yourself, your future…and the new puppy
it's ok to be INTP – trust me – you can train yourself to be more ESFJ “wifey/motherly”…but your natural personality will always remain INTP — don't sweat it, it is what it is
don't try to redefine motherhood, or gender roles – you should know that's illogical
children are not animals, they are human beings with mind, body and soul – who need to be nourished and loved
if you're not a physical mother, you can always be a spiritual mother – and somehow
through your INTP talents reach the minds and hearts of kids
it's ok to be INTP – trust me – you can train yourself to be more ESFJ “wifey/motherly”…but your natural personality will always remain INTP — don't sweat it, it is what it is
don't try to redefine motherhood, or gender roles – you should know that's illogical
children are not animals, they are human beings with mind, body and soul – who need to be nourished and loved
if you're not a physical mother, you can always be a spiritual mother – and somehow
through your INTP talents reach the minds and hearts of kids
Agreed! Or even more frustrating, when you do opt to tell people you don't think you will have children and they give you this sympathetic look and say how you still have time to decide (I'm 27 and wonder how much longer I will get that response).
Hi,
I am weighing in late on this but being an INTP mother, I definately wanted to comment. First of all, as all of us INTP’s tend to do, you are overthinking it. Don’t think about it too much, just let life happen. In my 20′s I also thought I would never have children for many of the same reasons listed here. Too busy, too many things I wanted to do and didn’t want to be tied down. In my early 30′s I changed my mind and decided to have a child. As all parents say, there is nothing like parenthood. Probably the best and worst experience of your life. Before anyone takes offense, I say worse because nothing else will cause you such worry and headache but it is totally worth it. Nothing else has brought me the pure joy and satisfaction of being a mother. It does help to have a partner who is capable of chipping in and taking an active role. I ended up being a single parent after a few years and it was very hard until my child was older, about 5-6 and started becoming a little more independent and doing my things on his own. It is a real challenge for an INTP mom to deal with the routine that comes from having a young child. Even now, we get to school on time maybe one day out of five. (Lucky for us he goes to Montessori and they are not so rigid. I can’t stand the thought of public school but I digress.) I think having a child in my 30′s also helped. I also thought being stuck in Suburbia was a horrible fate but here I am in the thick of it. I definately could not have done it when I was younger but it is the best choice for us now.
Anyway the point is you don’t have to have it all figured out in advance. It will work out. I’m no longer obsessed with the way I think it should be, I have learned to deal with how it is which was a huge change for me.
Som,
I’m glad my post helped you!
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