Retracing Your Footsteps Leads to Your Next Big Leap

People keep asking what my next post will be. Ever since I quit Brazen Careerist back in October, I’ve thought about writing an eye-opening, uncensored version of everything I learned while I was there (an option that gets more appealing every day as they drag post-breakup paperwork into December). But here’s what I’m going to write about instead: stopping. Because last week, I finally put work aside, put school aside, and actually relaxed for a good 72 hours.

Now, I’m the type of person who doesn’t stop. I can’t. I stuff my life full of too many tasks that I can never accomplish in the allotted time, because I’m afraid that if I let up for even one day I will have to address the very dark issues I struggle with. And that’s exactly what happened on Thanksgiving – I had time to self-examine and take inventory of all the parts of me that might be getting out of control.

Like my weight. I am not a fat person – never have been actually. But no matter what I weigh, I always want to drop 10 pounds. I weigh myself excessively. I eat the most random diet to try to drop more. I binge exercise after eating too much. And I worry, first that I am just keeping myself “fat” (because honestly, I’m not actually fat, I just think I am), and second that I am on the road to a more serious eating disorder that will require professional help. Is it enough to be aware that I’m close to crossing the line so I don’t actually cross it?

Like my inability to settle. My parents were Air Force, and I’ve known nothing else but moving. I am 24 years old and have lived in 11 different houses/apartments. The thought of living anywhere for more than five years is unfathomable to me, yet I want to provide a stable lifestyle for my future children. I want to support my husband’s career and bring him back to his family. Will I get used to the idea of staying – dealing with complicated relationships and problems – instead of wiping the slate clean every few years?

Like my escape tactics. Whenever I find a good fiction book, I can’t put it down. I shut down in my regular life (aside from the bare essentials) and get lost in the book, absorbed by the characters and living in someone else’s story. The drama is not about me anymore. The problems are not mine, but I get to share in the happiness as they are resolved. And then I call my obsession with the book “relaxing.” Am I unhappy in my normal life? Would I would rather live in books and television shows with fictional characters?

So maybe you are reading this, and thinking that I should get some help instead of confessing on my blog. But I write because I think people inherently want to become better and improve their lives, and that requires self-examination. Anyone who is successful is only that way because he or she has overcome a tremendous hardship in the past, and the only way to overcome tremendous hardships is when you don’t realize that’s what they are until you’ve already conquered them.

So if you want to get ahead, look at your past. Retracing your footsteps is the best way to figure out where you are going.

Where am I going next? Church. Because when I think back to when I was happy with my body, when I longed to stay in one place, and when I replaced reading books with socializing, that is the only common thread.

And not suprisingly, my inability to choose a next Twenty Set post is a lot like my inability to choose between helping others, even when it’s destructive to myself, or being selfish and putting my own needs first. I guess now you know what I picked.