When you ask “Is it enough to be aware that I’m close to crossing the line so I don’t actually cross it?” You made me think of the way one of my very best friends dealt with her eating disorder.
Jen* is possibly one of the academically smartest people I know (it’s not just me, in our end of school exams she topped our state) which is why when she felt an eating disorder creep up on her it was so fascinating. She was smart about it. She could stand outside of herself and analyse her feelings (much in the same way you seem to be doing). She could theorise her own experience and understand it according to so much of the articles, books and other literature on eating disorders that we all read in order to help her deal with it. She was inside of her problems as well as outside of it, in psychological theories, all at the same time.
When you ask “Is it enough” I would have to argue no. I don’t think it’s enough but jesus you have the best start. You have an actual awareness of your struggle, of your false concept of your body and you seem to have a gneuine desire to do something about it. I think you can only ever deal with something when you have an awareness and an understanding of it and most importantly when you actually want to deal with it.
Jen treated it as a competiton, like any other academic race she had entered, and, as usual, she won.
Hey Jen! I will probably talk more about what happened in a future post, so I guess keep reading!
Marina – I hate to say eating disorder because it’s disrespectful to the fact that there are a ton of people who suffer from painful, uncontrollable, life-threatening eating disorders. I don’t think I have an eating disorder, but I do think I have a preoccupation with my weight… which I think a lot of women probably have. And I think you’re right, that knowing where the boundaries are can keep you from crossing them.
Hi Gene. I think I kind of hid it in a paragraph, but in short, the big leap I’m making is going back to church. I went very regularly growing up and getting older I’ve stopped. I’m not sure why this feels like the right time, but I’m looking for answers right now.
I didn’t know that you left BC but I love that you’re using this transition for some introspection. If I didn’t take some serious time “off” after leaving my last job I would have run right back into something that wasn’t the right fit for me or who I want to become. So from one unstoppable woman to another– brava.
I respect your transparency and humility- you are brave. How’s Chicago treating you? I’ll be visiting family this month with my fiance and her family. Fun times a head. I see you found me on Twitter, I returned the follow.
Church, I know of a place in Chicago called New Life Covenant. They do tons in the community and meet at Clemente High school. Anyhow, I have my thoughts about what church has become in America but now is not the time. All the best, drop me an email when you get a chance. Cheers,
Sabrina, Thanks! It’s good to slow down a little and even be able to take days off from work around the holidays. I was lucky that I had savings and a second income stream so I could get out of my work situation when it became ridiculous. And you’re right about not wanting to make the same mistake twice!
Miguel, Chicago is great right now! I’m not sure what I’ll find when at church. I guess we’ll see! Enjoy your visit to Chicago… I’ll probably be in St. Louis over the holidays.
Monica,
Thanks for sharing about your experiences. And thanks for also being honest and sharing where you think the real solution is. Talking about spirituality can be tough in this niche. I also think that sometimes, it’s easy to hide inside our career aspirations, our plans, and our busy and forget the spiritual parts of us are often where the most joy and satisfaction lies. I was at that place myself about two years ago, and since I got involved in church again (and not just in a going there kind of way) my mindset about myself changed – and that’s filtered out into the rest of my life as well.
Happy to see you writing again! Looking forward to sharing the journey with you.
Monica, this was very brave of you to share… and I know from experience that writing something out and sharing it is another step towards healing and improvement. Best of luck with all the changes and challenges you’re experiencing.
I didn’t know you’d left BC either, but it sounded like you were pretty strained, by the commute in particular.
I am always torn between my drive & my quality of life. When is it OK to take a few minutes & enjoy what I’m building? Am I OK with taking an evening to sit on the couch like every other average American out there? Can I put my blog off to the side to give myself some much-needed TLC after my relationship goes bust? All I can say is that we have a higher-class of problems than most people. Our intelligence can’t be turned off, we can’t switch off motivation, even when we want to. The trade off is bliss… that sweet byproduct of ignorance.
I worry sometimes that I might border on an eating disorder. I won’t eat when everything else in my life feels out of control… it’s the one thing I can control. But that’s not about eating or not eating; it’s about realizing that I’m not in control. That’s what I get from a spiritual connection with something larger than myself. I have faith that something more powerful than myself can handle this stuff and it’s not my job to worry about it. It’s my job to put one foot in front of the other, try to be a good person every day, and to do the next right thing.
The same is true with moving. We moved into a different house every year. Every single year. My hand shakes if I have to sign an apt lease for longer than 6 months. But that has to do with control also. By signing that lease, I’m giving up control of my surroundings, in my mind. That’s not true though.
Sounds like you’re ready to connect with something bigger again, wherever you choose to do that. Don’t worry about 5 years from now. Just do today. Try to do the next right thing, and things will work out. It’s that simple. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.
Tiffany, hearing your story makes me very hopeful that I will find what I need at church. Thanks for sharing!
Jarred, thanks for the support. I do agree that blogging is incredibly therapeutic. It’s good to have things out in the open, just to see if other people experience something similar.
Holly, I love everything you wrote, very nice phrasing. It’s interesting that you struggle with control. For me, I’m ready to give up control. I’m tired of sharing the burden of control in all aspects of my life. I’m ready to ask for help, even if it’s spiritually, and I hope that will give me the strength to get ask for help from other people. (I guess fear of asking for help is a struggle with needing control as well, though.)
@ Monica: Ah, I see. Had I been raised going to church every Sunday, I might have been able to recognize the significance of returning to church from reading your post. I grew up in a different religion, and though I self-proclaim to be agnostic, I am still deeply spiritual, just not in any scriptural or ritual sense. Good for you — for getting back in touch with your inner compass & peace!
@ Holly: I love your writing. Every post/comment you write has a story, and every paragraph makes a vivid connection with the readers. Even though little of what you blog about typically intersects with my spheres, everything you write still reads like a gem.
I suppose this is the main point your comment conveyed: to assert control is to delegate — be it downward to your landlord, who has to worry about tax and market and upkeep, and you only have to sign a lease and pay bills; or upward to your faith, in whom you trust your spirit to find peace.
We all hit that place in life where we feel we need to go inside for answers. It happens to me every couple of years and I can spot the signs of it approaching and when it comes I let it happen. I come out of that period of introspection feeling more human and feeling somehow refreshed and ready to get back out there.
Control isn’t about having your fingers in every pie and knowing exactly what’s happening. Control of your life sometimes means you have to make a deliberate choice to let go and let whatever life’s throwing your way happen.
I love how you describe where you are right now as ‘retracing your steps’. It gives me a picture of you following a path through a large wood, twisting and turning until you arrive in a clearing where you can clearly see the things that make you you. A clearing where you can sit down, feel soothed and reconnect with the things that matter to you the most.
It’s only by knowing and feeling those things that you’re able to move forwards in a meaningful way.
Gene, yes, I was raised in a strict Catholic family. This step does have deep significance for me.
Steve, yes! It really does take retracing your footsteps to find clarity, because of the reconnection you need to make with your roots. Thanks for putting it into different terms and providing more insight.
Monica O'Brien is the Director of Digital at Fizz and author of the book Social Pollination, which helps businesses leverage social media for crazy growth!
Monica O'Brien is the Director of Digital at Fizz and author of the book Social Pollination, which helps businesses leverage social media for crazy growth!
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I’d love to hear more about why you decided to leave the start up! Best of luck!
When you ask “Is it enough to be aware that I’m close to crossing the line so I don’t actually cross it?” You made me think of the way one of my very best friends dealt with her eating disorder.
Jen* is possibly one of the academically smartest people I know (it’s not just me, in our end of school exams she topped our state) which is why when she felt an eating disorder creep up on her it was so fascinating. She was smart about it. She could stand outside of herself and analyse her feelings (much in the same way you seem to be doing). She could theorise her own experience and understand it according to so much of the articles, books and other literature on eating disorders that we all read in order to help her deal with it. She was inside of her problems as well as outside of it, in psychological theories, all at the same time.
When you ask “Is it enough” I would have to argue no. I don’t think it’s enough but jesus you have the best start. You have an actual awareness of your struggle, of your false concept of your body and you seem to have a gneuine desire to do something about it. I think you can only ever deal with something when you have an awareness and an understanding of it and most importantly when you actually want to deal with it.
Jen treated it as a competiton, like any other academic race she had entered, and, as usual, she won.
Best of luck!
*Name changed
Hey Jen! I will probably talk more about what happened in a future post, so I guess keep reading!
Marina – I hate to say eating disorder because it’s disrespectful to the fact that there are a ton of people who suffer from painful, uncontrollable, life-threatening eating disorders. I don’t think I have an eating disorder, but I do think I have a preoccupation with my weight… which I think a lot of women probably have. And I think you’re right, that knowing where the boundaries are can keep you from crossing them.
In retracing your own steps, what’s the big leap that you have made or are about to make?
Hi Gene. I think I kind of hid it in a paragraph, but in short, the big leap I’m making is going back to church. I went very regularly growing up and getting older I’ve stopped. I’m not sure why this feels like the right time, but I’m looking for answers right now.
Monica,
I didn’t know that you left BC but I love that you’re using this transition for some introspection. If I didn’t take some serious time “off” after leaving my last job I would have run right back into something that wasn’t the right fit for me or who I want to become. So from one unstoppable woman to another– brava.
Monica
I respect your transparency and humility- you are brave. How’s Chicago treating you? I’ll be visiting family this month with my fiance and her family. Fun times a head. I see you found me on Twitter, I returned the follow.
Church, I know of a place in Chicago called New Life Covenant. They do tons in the community and meet at Clemente High school. Anyhow, I have my thoughts about what church has become in America but now is not the time. All the best, drop me an email when you get a chance.
Cheers,
-Miguel
Sabrina, Thanks! It’s good to slow down a little and even be able to take days off from work around the holidays. I was lucky that I had savings and a second income stream so I could get out of my work situation when it became ridiculous. And you’re right about not wanting to make the same mistake twice!
Miguel, Chicago is great right now! I’m not sure what I’ll find when at church. I guess we’ll see! Enjoy your visit to Chicago… I’ll probably be in St. Louis over the holidays.
Monica,
Thanks for sharing about your experiences. And thanks for also being honest and sharing where you think the real solution is. Talking about spirituality can be tough in this niche. I also think that sometimes, it’s easy to hide inside our career aspirations, our plans, and our busy and forget the spiritual parts of us are often where the most joy and satisfaction lies. I was at that place myself about two years ago, and since I got involved in church again (and not just in a going there kind of way) my mindset about myself changed – and that’s filtered out into the rest of my life as well.
Happy to see you writing again! Looking forward to sharing the journey with you.
Monica, this was very brave of you to share… and I know from experience that writing something out and sharing it is another step towards healing and improvement. Best of luck with all the changes and challenges you’re experiencing.
Jarred
I didn’t know you’d left BC either, but it sounded like you were pretty strained, by the commute in particular.
I am always torn between my drive & my quality of life. When is it OK to take a few minutes & enjoy what I’m building? Am I OK with taking an evening to sit on the couch like every other average American out there? Can I put my blog off to the side to give myself some much-needed TLC after my relationship goes bust? All I can say is that we have a higher-class of problems than most people. Our intelligence can’t be turned off, we can’t switch off motivation, even when we want to. The trade off is bliss… that sweet byproduct of ignorance.
I worry sometimes that I might border on an eating disorder. I won’t eat when everything else in my life feels out of control… it’s the one thing I can control. But that’s not about eating or not eating; it’s about realizing that I’m not in control. That’s what I get from a spiritual connection with something larger than myself. I have faith that something more powerful than myself can handle this stuff and it’s not my job to worry about it. It’s my job to put one foot in front of the other, try to be a good person every day, and to do the next right thing.
The same is true with moving. We moved into a different house every year. Every single year. My hand shakes if I have to sign an apt lease for longer than 6 months. But that has to do with control also. By signing that lease, I’m giving up control of my surroundings, in my mind. That’s not true though.
Sounds like you’re ready to connect with something bigger again, wherever you choose to do that. Don’t worry about 5 years from now. Just do today. Try to do the next right thing, and things will work out. It’s that simple. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.
Tiffany, hearing your story makes me very hopeful that I will find what I need at church. Thanks for sharing!
Jarred, thanks for the support. I do agree that blogging is incredibly therapeutic. It’s good to have things out in the open, just to see if other people experience something similar.
Holly, I love everything you wrote, very nice phrasing. It’s interesting that you struggle with control. For me, I’m ready to give up control. I’m tired of sharing the burden of control in all aspects of my life. I’m ready to ask for help, even if it’s spiritually, and I hope that will give me the strength to get ask for help from other people. (I guess fear of asking for help is a struggle with needing control as well, though.)
@ Monica: Ah, I see. Had I been raised going to church every Sunday, I might have been able to recognize the significance of returning to church from reading your post. I grew up in a different religion, and though I self-proclaim to be agnostic, I am still deeply spiritual, just not in any scriptural or ritual sense. Good for you — for getting back in touch with your inner compass & peace!
@ Holly: I love your writing. Every post/comment you write has a story, and every paragraph makes a vivid connection with the readers. Even though little of what you blog about typically intersects with my spheres, everything you write still reads like a gem.
I suppose this is the main point your comment conveyed: to assert control is to delegate — be it downward to your landlord, who has to worry about tax and market and upkeep, and you only have to sign a lease and pay bills; or upward to your faith, in whom you trust your spirit to find peace.
We all hit that place in life where we feel we need to go inside for answers. It happens to me every couple of years and I can spot the signs of it approaching and when it comes I let it happen. I come out of that period of introspection feeling more human and feeling somehow refreshed and ready to get back out there.
Control isn’t about having your fingers in every pie and knowing exactly what’s happening. Control of your life sometimes means you have to make a deliberate choice to let go and let whatever life’s throwing your way happen.
I love how you describe where you are right now as ‘retracing your steps’. It gives me a picture of you following a path through a large wood, twisting and turning until you arrive in a clearing where you can clearly see the things that make you you. A clearing where you can sit down, feel soothed and reconnect with the things that matter to you the most.
It’s only by knowing and feeling those things that you’re able to move forwards in a meaningful way.
Gene, yes, I was raised in a strict Catholic family. This step does have deep significance for me.
Steve, yes! It really does take retracing your footsteps to find clarity, because of the reconnection you need to make with your roots. Thanks for putting it into different terms and providing more insight.
Kudos to you for recognizing your personal needs and making the changes you need!
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