Monica O'Brien is the author of the book Social Pollination: Escape the Hype of Social Media and Join the Companies Winning At It. The book is a step-by-step guide for small and mid-sized businesses that want to find more customers effectively. Get the book:

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Women

How to Become a Leader when you’re a Woman

By Monica O'Brien on December 5th in Leadership 9 comments

In my Theories of Leadership class this quarter, we learned a lot of techniques to become leaders, but the main objective of the course remained to find your own leadership style, because that’s the one that would work best for you.

I have to wonder if that’s right, though. Because as I look back at the recent US Presidential election, there are clear patterns of which leadership styles worked for women and which didn’t. The goal of this article is to show women how they can become leaders in male-dominated environments, using examples from the US Presidential election.

Let’s start with Hillary Clinton. Why exactly did she lose the democratic nomination to Obama? The burning question on my mind: was it because she was a woman?

Jaclyn Schiff of The Schiff Report, who lives and works at the heart of it all in Washington DC, says, “From talking to people who worked for the campaign and volunteered for it, I got the sense that people at the top were disagreeing a lot, which detracted from the campaign’s overall message. Obama’s message also seemed to resonate better with people.”

Andrea Zak, of SchizoFrenetic, agrees. “Clinton went into the primaries EXPECTING to be the nominee.” She adds, “Clinton would have made an excellent president, but Obama ran a superior campaign.”

It is clear that Hillary Clinton made some obvious mistakes in her campaign for the Presidency. First, she was over-confident, and second, she either didn’t have the right message or did not convey her message clearly to the country, the voters.

Then again, one of the points stressed over and over again about leadership is that a leader must embody the traits of the group of followers she is trying to lead. When asked how women associated with the election were portrayed in the media, Jen Williamson of Catalyst Blogger insists, “There is absolutely a double standard. While Hillary Clinton got emotional, it was a big sign of weakness – she was a weak, weepy woman. When Joe Biden got choked up during the Vice Presidential debates, it was a sign of his humanity and the highlight of his performance. It goes the other way too – when Hillary gets forceful, she’s strident and bitchy. When male candidates get forceful, they’re tough and assertive.”

Milena Thomas of Quiet the Thunder disagrees. “I have a hard time deciding if [women] are portrayed differently. I’d like to say ‘women are not taken seriously.’ But then my mind goes to all the comedy pieces on Bush, McCain, Obama too… I don’t think any leader is safe from public scrutiny.”

Thomas does, however, point out, “It is tough for women to come across as strong as men. Their voices are higher pitched, their features are softer, their mannerisms are not firm; and if they are, people are turned off because it’s not feminine. Apparently you can’t win.”

And Hillary didn’t win, in my opinion partly because she couldn’t embody what America wanted. Whether that was the message of hope that Obama brought, or if it was as simple as the US needing a seemingly stronger and more masculine leader to get us through this trying time – I still can’t decide. What is clear, however, is that aspiring women leaders must be careful to walk a very thin line, not appearing too masculine or too feminine – the hybrid alpha girl, so to speak.

The hybrid alpha girl to some extent could be found in United States VP candidate Sarah Palin. She came across to me as tough – working woman with a stay-at-home-husband, strong convictions – yet she still had her share of Jessica Simpson moments that quickly propelled her to celebrity stature rather than that of a serious political candidate.

For me, Palin was someone I wanted to be friends with, someone I would recruit for my college sorority, instead of someone I would ever look up to and entrust with running a country. I liked her, but not for her stance on issues, just for eye candy on the GOP ticket. Monica Evans of Life in the Middle Lane shared similar sentiments. “Sarah is a very attractive woman, and I think that gives her points. Whenever someone asks me what I think about Sarah, I always say she is super pretty.” Let’s be honest though – when you are running for Vice-President of the United States, the last thing you want to be known for is being “super pretty.”

While Palin appeared to appeal to many intelligent women on some level, most still didn’t want to vote for her because she didn’t appeal to them as a vice-presidential candidate. The moral of the story is “celebrity” is too often confused with leadership, and I believe that is why Sarah Palin was so unpopular throughout the campaign. My instinct is that too much celebrity is much more detrimental to women than men, because of how female celebrities who “act out” are portrayed in the media. Few of the techniques women use to get ahead socially translate well for women trying to become leaders.

Given the profiles of both Clinton and Palin, one begs the question – what kind of woman leader does America want? The answer is Michelle Obama.

In my observation, Clinton had difficulty relating to stay-at-home-moms, while Palin had difficulty relating to young, single, working women; but somehow, Michelle Obama seems to appeal to both, as demonstrated by the positive response I received from the Gen Y women I interviewed.

Evans explains “I love Michelle. Actually, I love Michelle more than Obama. There are probably little black girls (like me) who are stoked that we have another black woman (other than Condi, who I also admire) on the main stage.” She adds, “I think her causes would be more in line with my own causes (just based on her background and other volunteer work). I’m excited to see what she would do with her First Lady platform.”

Thomas says, “I think women like her, they think she is fashionable and shows personal strength. I think women think of her as a role model.”

Zak adds another layer. “That she’s a well-spoken and well-educated woman connects with other women voters and has allowed her to campaign on behalf of her husband. [Barack Obama] and Michelle are also going to be great role models for a healthy marriage. Their open displays of affection are so different than what we’re used to seeing from political couples. They look like they’re in love and that they’re a team raising their children… it’s refreshing to see a couple that highlights the best of contemporary marriage.”

Zak hits on a huge point – that a leader’s personal life is just as important to her followers as her professional life. In this case, Americans are striving for contemporary marriages; so if you want to be a female leader in America you can start by becoming the contemporary wife, currently being defined by Michelle Obama.

All of this news is great for Michelle Obama, but what does that mean for future females vying for the US presidency? After all, Michelle Obama was never a candidate, just a candidate’s wife who now has the opportunity to influence the country.

Zak appears to see the current President Elect as a good sign for women. She explains, “African-American men got the right to vote before (white) women… If you’re looking at the trajectory of history, it seems to follow that Americans would be comfortable with an African-American man as President before a woman.”

Schiff takes a different approach. She says of Clinton and Palin, “Since we’ve had two women very publicly vying for the highest political office in the land over the last few months, it gets people more comfortable with the idea of having women in these roles… their candidacy has still contributed to an important ongoing discussion about gender roles and leadership.”

Williamson agrees with Schiff, but adds, “The fact that race and gender are even issues worth mentioning reveals that America is still a deeply racist and sexist place. When race and gender are like hair color and eye color – personal accents that have nothing to do with a candidate’s ability to lead the country, rarely brought up in coverage and commentary because they are so laughably irrelevant – then I think we’ll have gotten somewhere.”

Below is a summary of the leadership lessons I’ve drawn from the US Presidential election. I’m curious though: What do YOU think? Leave a comment to share your opinion!

IN SUMMARY

Leadership Lessons for Everyone:

  • Always operate as the underdog, even when you are ahead
  • Have a clear message
  • Have a message that resonates with the people you are trying to lead
  • Embody the traits of the people you are trying to lead
  • Develop a tough skin and learn to accept/ignore criticism
  • Be personable – show your followers you are human

Leadership Lessons Specifically for Women:

  • Toe the fine line between aggressiveness and femininity
  • Avoid becoming too much of a celebrity if leadership is your ultimate goal
  • Dress well
  • Be intelligent and career-driven AND a good mom AND a supportive wife
  • Partner with a man if necessary (it pains me to put this on the list, but it’s still a reasonable conclusion to draw)

Today I’ve explained why I think these lessons are essential for aspiring female leaders, but if there’s interest, I can write more about how to start applying these lessons in the future.

Special thanks to the Gen Y thought leaders who contributed to this article – if you enjoy this blog you will enjoy theirs as well:

I May Never Be a Mother. And That's Okay.

By Monica O'Brien on May 5th in Careers 43 comments

Image Source: sweetimaginations via FlickR

Ever since I started at Brazen Careerist I’ve been obsessed with my MBTI type. Mostly because I couldn’t decide what I was – so I began researching each letter until I was sure.

Now I’ve come to the conclusion. I’m an INTP, which is the least common personality type. Something like 1% of the population has it. Here’s where you find INTP’s: teaching at colleges. Researching. Making theoretical discoveries. They are the “absent-minded professors,” in their own worlds. Disconnected from relationships, preferring to figure things out on their own. And the successful INTP’s are mostly men, which seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.

In other words, my personality type is the exact opposite personality of someone who society thinks would make a good wife and mother. No kidding. ESFJ is actually nicknamed the “housewife” personality type.

Here is what worries me about my personality type: I feel like I’ve caught this anti-wife, anti-mom disease. And naturally, I want to be a good wife and good mom, because society tells me I should.

So the first thing I did after discovering all this was write an article about how you can change your personality type. It never went to publish, because I knew I was wrong. As much as I want to be a mother, I won’t ever be obsessed with my kids, the way my parents were. I won’t ever have the desire to quit my job, or even cut back on my hours.

I’ve always known this about myself, and up until recently here was my plan to make it work: get a puppy. I would get a dog to practice taking care of someone before I had kids, so by the time I actually had kids I would be ready to give up more of myself. But after five days of waking up at 6am to a puppy licking my face, I’m even reconsidering that.

Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I don’t want to be a mother. Maybe I’ve been told my entire life that women get married, have kids, and clean their houses, and I’ve just assumed that’s the only acceptable path. Maybe it’s not, and I resent society for that stereotype, because I’ll never, ever fit it. Damn society.

Here’s my new plan for having kids: make my husband stay at home, or get a nanny if he doesn’t want to. Or not have kids, because the first two solutions make me feel very guilty (another side effect of societal views). Penelope wrote about stay-at-home-dads recently, and everyone, including me, hated it. Then I realized the reason I hated it is because it was about a guy cheating on his wife who provided all the money for him and their family. If the post was about a woman cheating on a man, I would say she was bored and taken for granted. Totally justifiable. But a guy cheating on his working wife makes my blood boil; because deep down I don’t respect a guy who does not financially provide for his family, then proverbially slaps his wife in the face by cheating on her.

Before you start hating me, know that these views make sense, given my personality type. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying, and my biggest revelation is that as angry as I am about wife/mother stereotypes, I am not immune to prescribing to gender stereotypes either. So the only way I can ever have kids is to redefine what motherhood means to me and see if I can make it work with my personality. But that starts with me learning to truly respect a man who is willing to stay home with the kids.

Women MBAs Should Consider Hiring a Cook. Or a Maid. Maybe Even a Nanny.

By Monica O'Brien on April 1st in Careers 3 comments

So everyone I know is going to read the article about higher divorce rates for female MBA’s (Hat Tip: Brazen Careerist) sometime this week and I feel obligated to write about it, even though the numbers in the article will bother me until the study itself is published. Here’s an overview of the study’s claims:

  • Education Level for Females – Divorced or Separated
    • 12% MBAs (business)
    • 10% JDs (law)
    • 9% medical degrees
    • 11% only bachelor’s degrees
  • Education Level for Males – Divorced or Separated
    • 5% MBAs
    • 7% JDs
    • 5.1% medical degrees
    • only bachelor’s degrees not given

The first question I have is the statistical significance between women MBA divorcees (12%) and women w/only undergrad divorcees (11%). The article doesn’t list the details of the study, but there is a range of error for both these percentages due to the sample population. If that value is 1% or more for either (say women MBA divorcees are actually in the range of 10-12%), then comparing the two is moot. What makes these statistics more suspect is that both law and med. female graduates have a lower divorce rate than women with only undergrad degrees.

My second issue is that the author doesn’t compare these stats to all women, and studies show that women with any higher ed. degree are less likely to get divorced than those without.

So if there isn’t much of a difference between undergrad vs. grad degrees, and there is still a huge difference between no degree and any higher ed. degree, then getting a graduate degree is still a fine idea for a woman. Between these two issues, it’s doubtful that getting an MBA as a woman is an automatic marriage death sentence. My gut tells me it has little statistical significance actually; but I guess we’ll see when the study is published.

And yes, I have a third issue. For MBAs, the author fails to mention that the actual number of women and men getting divorced is about the same. With roughly 30% of MBA candidates as women, the number of MBA divorcees is about 7% total, with half men and half women. What’s interesting is in law and med programs, women make up roughly 45-50% of the population, so the disparity is much clearer there; though the gap between women and men is much smaller than with MBA graduates.

Despite disliking the way the study is portrayed, I do think there is some truth to the conclusions the author presented; namely that highly successful women are attracted to similarly successful men but might be better matched with men who have less stressful careers and thus more time to support a high-earning spouse.

This is not representative of all professional “high-earning” women, but every female MBA I know falls into one of two categories: “single” or “serious relationship with highly successful man.” My friends date dentists, lawyers, their fellow MBA candidates, or PhD candidates from other fields. My own husband is going to be an eye doctor.

But this partnership is difficult when trying to run a household, even without kids. My husband and I know we’re being pulled in different directions trying to balance two careers and the possibility of a family in the distant future; so we recently decided we each need to compromise on one thing until we finally meet somewhere in the middle. The first thing I asked of him was that he support my career decisions and trust me to make good financial choices while still following my entrepreneur dreams.

He asked that I cook at least once a week. I’m not joking. Way to waste your three wishes Aladdin.

So that’s the (impossible?) challenge for a woman who wants her dream career: conquer the world, but be home in time to start dinner. Because most men still just want wives who will take care of them the same way their mothers did (Hat Tip: Art of Manliness). And really, I can’t completely blame them, because I sometimes get irritated that I’m the sole breadwinner. It goes both ways.

Will this compromise work for us, or other couples who both want high-powered careers? I have no idea. But when posed the question: do you need an extremely supportive spouse to have a high-powered career as a woman? My answer is a resounding hell yes. I guess the article got something right in the end.

Women and Entrepreneurship

By Monica O'Brien on March 24th in Entrepreneurship 17 comments

I wrote on Young Go Getter how every entrepreneur I know tells me I need to do a startup before I start my own business.  What I failed to mention is that every entrepreneur I know is a guy.  This seems strange because women are starting more businesses than men are… sort of.  Actually, older women are starting more small businesses than men are.  Younger women aren’t starting the businesses that make it big; they are sitting in their cubicles, scared, thinking about how they might start a business someday if they can just figure out how to mitigate the risk of it.  Like me.

I can’t actually prove this, because there is no study that correlates young+woman+startup that I can find.  But chew on this: another observation is every entrepreneur I know started their business in technology, and technology businesses are the most common type of startup, especially for twenty-setters.  Yet women don’t want to study technology, or start businesses in technology.  Except for me, and a few other women who live in Silicon Valley.

And this is fine.  Women should study and do what they want.  But that means that I have to learn everything I need to know about starting a business in your twenties from men.  And Penelope Trunk, who wrote the closest piece of proof I have that this phenomenon is not just in my life but is actually happening worldwide.

How To Deal With Sexism in the Workplace

By Monica O'Brien on March 23rd in Careers 53 comments

Image Source: dev_null via FlickR

Sexism exists everywhere, and it always will, because the genders are different and those differences affect how genders think and act towards each other.  Pretending that sexism will go away is like pretending we can stop teenagers from having sex, or college students from binge drinking.  Not going to happen.  So let’s talk about what sexism is and how to deal with sexism in the workplace.

What Constitutes as Sexism?

Sexism is discrimination based on gender, and it comes in many forms.

It could be something simple, like my senior group project with four guys where they always wanted me to be the notetaker because I was a girl and I had the best handwriting.  I think of these little comments and situations as “casual” sexism, because they usually stem from a lifetime of conditioning about gender stereotypes and are mostly unintentional.  Luckily, simple situations usually have simple solutions: I handed the guys my laptop.  Problem solved.

Or sexism can be serious, like in the case of the gender wage gap.  For which I have no good advice because I believe a) in free markets and b) that the differences in pay between men and women are not caused by gender, but by other factors that correlate with gender.  Like having children.

Sexual harrassment is part of sexism too, but I’m not going to touch on it in this article.  You can read other women’s thoughts about it here.

As a woman, an important skill is knowing how to deal with career-limiting sexism in the workplace.  Here are a few tips:

Find An Alternate Solution

When you experience “casual” sexism, there is usually nothing gained from pointing out that it is, in fact, sexism.  It makes you look like a complainer.  Instead, offer an alternate solution.  For example, if you are always getting asked to complete a menial task, like scheduling lunches or meetings, suggest that the group rotates responsibility every month.  Make it clear that the task is menial and the duty should be shared.  If anything, people will respect that you are not their secretary.

Change Your Style to Match the Situation

It seems to bother people when I tell them they should change their style in professional settings, and that confuses me.  We censor ourselves all the time in different types of situations, and I don’t see how this is different.  So if you are at a meeting with all men who are ignoring you, speak louder and make your ideas heard.  If everyone is interrupting each other, start interrupting to get your voice heard.  It sounds crazy, but you will be much more successful in meetings and other workplace interactions when you adopt the dominate communication style.  Yes, it’s out of your comfort zone, but I promise it won’t kill you.

At the same time, find a balance.  Don’t completely change who you are, because that doesn’t work either.  The key is to adapt by pushing your comfort zone outwards in every situation while still staying true to yourself.

Question If Gender Is Actually Important in the Situation

Everyone thinks that gender needs to balanced within organizations and groups.  For example, women of all ages always try to convince me that young women should be working their way up the corporate ladders of Fortune 500 companies.  “We need more women CEOs!”  (Less than 2.5% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women.)  But personally, I don’t want to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company.  I want to be CEO of my own company.

And realistically, this works better for women.  I see older generations of women who are finally starting their own businesses because they spent years chipping away at the glass ceiling with toothpick and a baby on one arm.   And I want a family too, so working my way up the ladder just to hit a glass ceiling is unappealing; I’d rather skip it all together with freelancing or entrepreneurship, neither of which require sacrificing everything to borrow a sledgehammer.

So question why we must have 50/50 gender in every profession, organization, and school.  Is it really important?  Maybe genders are just attracted to different career paths because one’s gender is a factor in determining one’s strengths.  Why aren’t we as a society okay with that?

Even the Playing Field a Little

Men disproportionately play chess, poker, and sports; so if you want to be seen as an equal with men, take up one of these hobbies.  I chose (watching) sports, and the best way I learned to keep up with the teams and players every season is by joining fantasy leagues that my guy friends set up.  You’d be surprised how easy and fun it is to pick up a hobby, and men don’t care if you are any good or not, they just think it’s cool you showed up to play.  (Plus it gives you something to build a working relationship off of, which is always good for your career.)

What’s even more surprising is how competing against guys in one aspect of your life will bleed over to all other aspects.  I first learned this lesson when my father put me in ju-jitsu lessons at age 13 and I had to spar boys during every class.  It sucked, but I got very strong and very good at fighting in a short amount of time.

Know When To Leave 

Honestly, I don’t think sexism (outside of sexual harassment) is a huge problem in the workplace, as long as women can learn to handle it.  I don’t expect that to be a popular opinion because I’m overexposed to sexism by the nature of my profession and I’ve developed a high tolerance towards the stuff that bothers other women.  (Plus sexism probably doesn’t affect my paycheck negatively anyway.)

But really, sexism is about drawing lines.  Every person has their own line that they must draw, where on one side lie the things they will put up with and on the other lie the things they will not tolerate.  Every time that line is crossed, that person has the choice to either deal or leave.  And that person gets to pick the number of times they are willing to deal too.

So if sexism is out of control in your current workplace, by your standards, I would suggest leaving.  And then stop working for companies that don’t draw their line where you draw yours.  Stop working with bosses and coworkers that don’t draw their line where you draw yours.  Find a company that aligns with your values, and you shouldn’t have any more problems with sexism.

And because I don’t want to be sexist, I’d like to open an invitation to the guys to write about sexism in the workplace.  Sexism affects males too, but I can’t speak to the topic well because I’m not a guy.  So if you send me a link for any past or present post or article about sexism from a man’s perspective, I will add it as a reference in this post.